It’s time for a revolution… in our federal dental plan. – George Washington

The White House is totally haunted. – John Adams

(Open the floor to duels.) – Thomas Jefferson

A beginner’s guide to animal husbandry. – James Madison

Bed bug prevention. – James Monroe

My father was right. The White House is haunted. – John Quincy Adams

How I bowled a 287. – Andrew Jackson

Cassava: The forgotten tuber. – Martin Van Buren

N/A – William Henry Harrison

101 uses for beeswax. – John Tyler

Snakes: man’s real best friend. – James K. Polk

Anyone want to invade Canada? – Zachary Taylor

Candle safety. – Millard Fillmore

If you’re so smart you try running the country. – Franklin Pierce

You’re doing your crop rotations wrong. – James Buchanan

(Bonding exercise wherein Congress sings “Row Row Row Your Boat” in the round) – Abraham Lincoln

Everything you ever wanted to know about corn. – Andrew Johnson

My favorite haikus. – Ulysses S. Grant

Dinosaurs: The coolest. – Rutherford B. Hayes

My phrenology results. – James A. Garfield

Proof that electricity is witchcraft. – Grover Cleveland

Mermaids. – Benjamin Harrison

(Soft-shoe routine) – William McKinley

Wanna wrestle? – Theodore Roosevelt

The therapeutic benefits of mud baths. – William Howard Taft

Things that I’ve rightfully described as hogwash. – Woodrow Wilson

Selling the Dakotas. – Warren G. Harding

So you’re planting a home garden… – Calvin Coolidge

“…The Aristocrats.” – Herbert Hoover

How to tie a clove hitch knot. – Franklin Delano Roosevelt

How to tie a timber hitch knot. – Franklin Delano Roosevelt

How to tie a taught-line hitch knot. – Franklin Delano Roosevelt

How to tie a sheepshank knot. – Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Please claim these items from the White House lost and found. – Harry S. Truman

My nicknames for each senator. – Dwight D. Eisenhower

Spring fashion refresher. – John F. Kennedy

How to take a punch. – Lyndon B. Johnson

(Ventriloquist routine.) – Richard Nixon

You know you’re a Democrat when… – Gerald Ford

Ranking the handshakes of foreign leaders. – Jimmy Carter

The ongoing hunt for Big Foot. – Ronald Reagan

Lord of the Rings fan fiction reading. – George H. W. Bush

(Sax solo.) – Bill Clinton

Can one of you help me with Photoshop? – George W. Bush

(Sing Whitney Houston’s “Didn’t We Almost Have It All.”) – Barack Obama