Look, we aren’t perfect, but we’re trying. It’s not as easy as it sounds to produce 11,000 new pieces of merchandise every two weeks without cutting a few corners here and there. But just in case you want your lime green booty shorts to be ethical, let’s address a few of the claims being levied against us.

We’re guilty of rampant human rights violations.
We take this one very seriously. The press is maligning us with claims that our employees are working eighteen-hour days for as little as $550 a month. You know what the press ISN’T telling you? Those same employees are treated to Jeans Fridays. EVERY FRIDAY. Never hear about that, do you? Now, are they technically required to sew the jeans first? Yes. But our motto is “Work hard, play hard!” But mostly, work hard. Let’s be real here: five-dollar rompers don’t sew themselves.

We’re “stealing” designs from other creators.
This is preposterous. Copyright infringement is not part of our business model. (It actually is. Copyright infringement is our business model.) Regardless, why does nobody remember that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery? “Sincere” is not a word that’s often used to describe fast fashion, but maybe it should be.

A marketplace investigation found elevated levels of toxic chemicals in our clothing.
Okay, you got us on this one. But we’re taking proactive measures to address this head-on with our new SAFER line of toddler clothing: Lil’ Wasters (now with 30 percent less lead). Look, how smart do you really want your kid to be? Doesn’t anyone value emotional intelligence anymore? Also, who says lead is so bad anyway? It’s used for all kinds of practical things, like batteries, ammo, and radiation protection. The lead in our toddler coats actually protects your children.

We’re inappropriately collecting user data.
How DARE you. And by “you,” we mean you, Michaela Prentiss, of 419 Island Drive, Loma Linda, California. We know you’ve been talking smack about us online, and if you EVER want to see another pale pink puffer coat that looks suspiciously like the Prada version from winter 2023 for $5.99, we suggest you keep your “opinions” to yourself. We can find plenty of other mid-size fashion influencers online to do hauls for us without tarnishing our reputation.

We use forced labor.
What, you think you nailed us with this one? Guess you’ve never read any of our employee reviews on Glassdoor. “I was easily able to wash my hair during my lunch break,” and “I thoroughly enjoy the two fifteen-minute breaks I get every four hours as required by law,” and “This is way more fun than second grade.” See? Everyone’s clean and having fun. Also, to clarify: if you see a tag in your eighty-five-cent bucket hat that appears to be hand-sewn and reads PLEASE HELP 477 DAYS NO BREAKS, keep in mind that is a reference to our new “Makers” line called “Please Help 447 Days No Breaks.” (Use code #GETBACKTOWORK at checkout for 10 percent off.)

So, you see, we’re not overly concerned with these petty accusations. We’re too busy counting our money. Plus, we’re also busy trying to do some good in this world by solving the real problems that working people face every day. Like where to buy a wedding dress for fifteen dollars, what to do with a cardi after you’ve worn it twice (gross), and, of course, racketeering.

Listen, if you’re conflicted about shopping with us, take heart in knowing that one of the world’s most ethical, upstanding, and morally conscious watchdog groups has been asked to monitor our business practices: the United States Congress. Feel better? I know we do.