Well, there’s another effort to repeal Obamacare, and once again there are a handful of fringe groups speaking out against the new bill, like the American Medical Association, the National Council for Behavioral Health, the American Cancer Society Action Network, the American Diabetes Association, the American Heart Association, the American Lung Association, the Arthritis Foundation, the National Health Council, the March of Dimes, the American Hospital Association, AARP, the Blue Cross Blue Shield Association, and America’s Health Insurance Plans.
But Americans know that we can’t trust people like doctors and insurers to tell us about our health and our insurance. It’s time for other industry groups to take a stand. That’s why the coffin industry is proud to support the new health care bill.
Whenever we evaluate a piece of legislation, the coffin industry asks two questions. One: Will it help Americans? And two: Will it help coffins? I think the answer, in the case of this bill, is clear.
Let’s put it this way: There are millions of Americans without work. But each new coffin requires the labor of five employees to cut the wood, assemble the wood, insert cushions, polish everything, and test the coffin’s durability by dropping it from six-foot ledges. That’s not even counting all of the other professions in dozens of coffin-related industries, from the truck drivers who transport the coffins to your Main Street funeral parlor to the security guards who have to fight off people who think they are vampires and try to steal the coffins.
If Congress passes the new health care bill, there will be a boom in demand for all of these jobs, and America’s unemployment problems will be solved. The economy will become as shiny and sturdy as a new oak coffin.
Is that cheering I hear?
If you still aren’t sure what to think about the new health care plan, just picture two things: millions of new coffins, and the legislators supporting the plan. Associate those two things forever in your brain. And then try telling me that you’re still not sure where you stand.
Now, you may be asking yourself, “Why should I trust the coffin industry? What has Big Coffin ever done for me?” To that I can only point to our decades — no, centuries — of experience working with people in dire need of health care. Coffins and sick people have been connected since long before insurance companies, or doctors, or the March of Dimes, or dimes. So I’m pretty confident that we know a thing or two about how to keep Americans’ bodies healthy-looking and well preserved!
At least for a few days.
But imagine a new America, built on a coffin empire! A coffin in every home! Crowds of people, marching off to the coffin factory in the morning, and coming home to their own house on Coffin Drive at night. Sports teams sponsored by coffins. A coffin company buying NBC. All of these are within our reach, if our representatives just vote for the new health care bill.
Only with concerted public pressure will your representatives listen to you and make the right choice. So call your senator and tell them that you want to see more coffins! Coffins everywhere!
And don’t mention the urn industry. They’re against the bill.