MODERATOR: Welcome to our final presidential debate. Per the rules agreed upon by both candidates, President Trump is allowed to have Cyril, his African grey parrot, on his shoulder throughout the debate, but he may not receive advice or answers from him. Vice President Harris is allowed to have binoculars around her neck due to fall warbler migration. We will cut you off if you go beyond your allotted time or if Cyril starts shrieking. Let us begin…

THE ECONOMY

MODERATOR: Despite robust economic indicators, Americans are paying more for essential items at the grocery store and the pump. How will you address this?

TRUMP: I drove to Kearney, Nebraska, to see the sandhill crane migration, and gas was a hundred dollars a gallon, maybe more. Americans are having to choose between everyday necessities and the most spectacular bird migration in North America. It’s not right.

HARRIS: Our campaign has promised every American family $750 a year for bird-related trips. No parent should have to choose between childcare and seeing 90,000 cranes hopping around in Nebraska. We can all agree on that.

TRUMP: Kamala eats sandhill cranes.

IMMIGRATION

MODERATOR: Immigration is a top issue for many voters. How will you bring order to our southern border?

HARRIS: Immigration is America. The cedar waxwing flies down to South America every year. And then they come back. It’s natural, it’s beautiful, it’s our strength. Do we really want an America without cedar waxwings? Because let me make one thing clear: that’s America’s most stylish bird.

TRUMP: I’m building a wall to keep the bad pájaros out: harpy eagles, Goliath herons, cassowaries. They’re flooding in, they’re pecking our children. Very sad.

HARRIS: A wall? Rüppell’s vultures fly at over 30,000 feet.

TRUMP: A very tall wall.

AGE

MODERATOR: President Trump, you would be the oldest president to begin a term, should you win. How can you assure voters you’re up to the task, mentally and physically?

TRUMP: My doctor says I’m like a New Caledonian crow mixed with a peregrine falcon. I can craft sophisticated tools out of branches and achieve speeds of two hundred miles per hour. It’s remarkable.

HARRIS: You’re a loon, and not the good kind, from the Gaviidae family.

CYRIL: BAAAAAHHAAAAAABBBCACACCCCAAAAA!!!!!! BAAAAHHHAAAAAHAACCCCAAACHCAAA!

MODERATOR: Cyril, your time is up. Cyril. Cyril, we’re cutting off your mic.

HOUSING

MODERATOR: What are you going to do to make homes more affordable?

HARRIS: My mother had a saying about coconut trees—that they provide a stable home for yellow-vented bulbuls and pale-billed flowerpeckers. We need something like that but for people.

TRUMP: We’re giving person-sized birdhouses to anyone who can’t afford a Trump property. No door, just a round entrance hole. A beautiful round hole.

MODERATOR: Does Cyril live in a birdhouse?

TRUMP: I built him a golden castle near the sixteenth green at Trump International.

BIDEN LEGACY

MODERATOR: Vice President Harris, you’ve presented yourself as a new direction for America. How would a Harris presidency differ from a Biden one?

HARRIS: Look, I love Joe Biden, but he couldn’t tell a song sparrow from a Lincoln’s sparrow. America’s ready for a new generation of leaders.

MODERATOR: Could you be more specific?

HARRIS: I’ll appoint a bird to my cabinet.

CLIMATE CHANGE

MODERATOR: How will each of you address the effects of climate change?

TRUMP: I can’t tell you how many times someone’s approached me on the campaign trail and said, “Why can’t we have beautiful Amazonian motmots here in America? Where are the keel-billed toucans?” Global warming’s a hoax, but if it brings more tropical birds, I’m for it.

HARRIS: If Trump wins, and it continues to get warmer, our spectacular Atlantic puffins will be forced to move up to Newfoundland. As will my more liberal friends.

TRUMP: Illegals are eating the puffins, they’re eating the herons. Not very nice.

FELONY CONVICTIONS

MODERATOR: President Trump, you were convicted of thirty-four felony counts. What do you say to voters hesitant to elect someone with a record?

TRUMP: The Australian government declared war on emus in 1932. Where is the emu today? Thriving, and on the great seal of Australia. In short, I’m adding myself to the great seal. I’ll hold arrows and an olive branch with my feet, which frankly, will not be easy. Scoot over bald eagle, here comes Donny.

HARRIS: I will ship President Trump off to Australia with the other convicts.

ELECTION RESULTS

MODERATOR: President Trump, you have refused to accept the results of the 2020 election. Should this election not go your way, will each of you pledge…

TRUMP: Let me stop you right there. The 2020 New Zealand Bird of the Year contest was a sham. Fifteen hundred mysterious votes appeared overnight for the kiwi pukupuku. A travesty.

HARRIS: The fraudulent votes were removed, and the kakapo won that election. There are systems in place to protect election integrity, and they worked.

TRUMP: The antipodean albatross had more votes. Not fair.

HARRIS: Now we care about the popular vote?

CLOSING STATEMENTS

MODERATOR: This debate was supposed to be ninety minutes, but WTF, let’s just cut to our closing statements.

TRUMP: Cyril is seven years old. Like many parrots, he could live into his eighties. I want him to know an America where he isn’t hunted by large Central American eagles, where crackers aren’t one thousand dollars a box. He adores crackers. All parrots do. Sometimes I buy a Two Cheeseburgers Meal from McDonald’s and stick it right in his cage. He loves it. I know, because he screams, “I’m lovin’ it.” I taught him that. Smart bird. America, I want you to look at Cyril. Really look at him. Isn’t he majestic? If Kamala wins, Venezuelan gangs will eat him. It’ll be curtains for old Cyril. Thank you, and God bless America.

HARRIS: Americans have a choice to make. Do we want an America led by a man who feeds McDonald’s and crackers to an Afrotropical parrot? That bird should be eating seeds, fruit, and maybe the occasional snail. This election is the most important election in American hist—Blackburnian warbler! There! Up in the rafters!

TRUMP: Where? Gimme those binoculars!

HARRIS: Get your own. Yes, notice the black and yellow plumage…

CYRIL: BAAAAAHHAAAAAABBBCACACCCCAAAAA!!!!!! BAAAAHHHAAAAAHAACCCCAAACHCAAA!

MODERATOR: Thank you for joining us tonight, and don’t forget to vote.