King Trump,
We hope this isn’t too forward, but you’ve been the best thing for the Islamic State since the Iraq War. For this, you have our thanks and a forthcoming basket of Edible Arrangements.
It’s not often we feel this positively about an American President. Your predecessor, despite his middle name, was kind of a dick. His drone strikes and thorough geopolitical understanding put ISIL on the brink of defeat — until you, like a ray of clementine-colored sunshine, turned things around for jihadists everywhere.
Your bigoted rhetoric has left Muslims around the world wounded and isolated. That’s, like, totally perfect for us! Those Islamophobic quotes of yours are the intertitles on all of our promotional videos. It’s usually much harder to get world leaders to say the words: “Radical Islamic Terrorists.” It’s like they’re allergic to fear-mongering.
You’ll be happy to know we’re also borrowing your recruiting tactics. Our social media manager is regularly tweeting in all caps. It’s a little “SAD” we didn’t think of that one on our own seeing as we’re unreasonably angry about stuff almost all the time. You can relate.
By the way, the “Muslim Ban” has been, in your words, “tremendous.” Thanks to you, refugees trying to escape our beheadings have nowhere to run but back into our machete-wielding arms. Think about it, if everyone who could leave did leave, we’d be pretty pointless. A murderous caliphate is nothing if they’re not governing over a populace paralyzed by crippling fear. Do you know what we mean? Of course, you know what we mean.
It’s super sweet of you to keep doing us these solids, Infidel King. Leaving Saudi Arabia off your list of banned countries was especially thoughtful. Imagine our surprise when we find out you’re practically BFFs with the Saudi Royal Family — just like us! Dude! You’re basically our brother from another harem. Are they funding your police state, too? You can tell us if we’re being nosey. When one of our guys from Riyadh visits New York for a completely innocent reason, do you think Melania would let him crash at your place? No pun intended.
Like any marriage between a burgeoning autocrat and a barbaric horde, the key to success is looking out for one another. Remember, the more you oppress Muslims, the more you help us. The more you help us, the more likely it is we’ll attempt an attack, which you’ll be able to use as justification to oppress more Muslims. All you have to do is rinse, lather, repeat, and get re-elected — in the unlikely event you’re still holding elections in four years.
Finally, while we appreciate everything you’re doing to help return us to prominence, it wouldn’t hurt if you slow your roll a bit. If you keep up this pace, even your Press Secretary will figure it out.
We hope you enjoy the fruit. It’s mostly grapes and strawberries for your completely normal-sized hands.
Your favorite frenemies,
The Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant