Dear Ms. Kendrick,
Thank you for your query about your recent order for the Kurt Luchs Money-Making System. Sales have exceeded all expectations and I’m not ashamed to admit that we’re struggling to keep up. Rest assured, however, that your video, six audiocassettes and instruction book will be winging their way to you shortly. In the meantime, please accept with our compliments (but not necessarily at our expense) the enclosed bonus booklet, Kurt’s 101 Ways to Use a Metal Detector to Provide for Your Golden Years.
Sincerely,
Kurt Luchs
Sales Manager
P.S. Do you remember in the fine print of your sales contract where it says, “available now for three (or four) easy payments of $44.98 each”? Well, we’ve just decided and it’s four. To expedite your order please send $44.98 in check or money order today.
Dear Ms. Kendrick,
Many thanks for your fourth and final payment for the Kurt Luchs Money-Making System. How does it feel to know that you may soon be richer (or poorer) than you’ve ever dreamed possible? Do you think you can handle it?
Sincerely,
Kurt Luchs
Marketing Director
P.S. Speaking of handling, I must bring a minor detail to your attention. The Kurt Luchs Money-Making System is indeed sent to all purchasers postpaid, but as it says in the contract, “postpaid (by you).” This is no time to be penny wise and pound foolish, Ms. Kendrick. Send the necessary $14.98 for postage and handling today and we’ll throw in a (nearly) free reprint of my award-winning brochure, Kurt’s Secrets for Finding Loose Change Under Swingsets and Couch Cushions.
Dear Ms. Kendrick,
I don’t know what’s holding up your order, but I will do everything in my power to get to the bottom of it. It’s your right, seeing as all of our customers are automatically enrolled in the Kurt Luchs Protection Plan, a plan for the protection of Kurt Luchs and, to a lesser extent, any purchasers of the Kurt Luchs Money-Making System. I’m sure I needn’t remind you that under this plan you are entitled to a full accounting of why this plan cannot provide you with a full accounting of what you are entitled to under this plan. My wish for you is that you use this brief lull in your account activity to peruse the enclosed photocopy of my latest hard-hitting advertorial, Returnable Soft Drink Cans: The Key to Your Financial Future?
Sincerely,
Kurt Luchs
President
P.S. It’s a small point but worth reiterating that the Kurt Luchs Protection Plan is guaranteed to be free (or not). It’s not. Make sure you are covered by sending $39.98 today in check or money order. Or pay by credit card and save 100 percent on your next three long-distance calls (by not making them).
Dear Ms. Kendrick,
I’m responding to your last letter in hopes that I can personally straighten this whole thing out and avoid bringing lawyers into it. Let me see if I understand your three concerns:
1. You still have not received the Kurt Luchs Money-Making System despite having paid in full.
2. What you have received is a duplicate invoice demanding payment—again—for your order.
3. A $5000 cash advance has been drawn against your American Express Gold Card at a Mexican bank without your knowledge or consent.
Let me deal with the second concern first. You could simply destroy the duplicate invoice, but to tell you the truth that would really mess up our accounting. Our Accounts Receivable Director (me) is very superstitious about closing out the books each month. I suggest you go ahead and pay the invoice and then let us issue a refund per our standard procedure. The best part about that course of action is that it also addresses your first concern. Yes, technically you have paid in full. But technically our computer doesn’t know that. As our IS Director, I can’t fix the problem without your prompt cooperation.
I apologize (up to a point) for any inconvenience these misunderstandings may have caused. I admit to being somewhat distracted lately, what with the tripling of our sales and the opening of a new manufacturing and fulfillment center in Tijuana this past month.
Sincerely,
Kurt Luchs
Acting President
P.S. Oops! I almost forgot your third concern. I wish I could help you with that mysterious American Express bill, but I am as much in the dark about this as you are. Are you sure you didn’t take a Mexican vacation recently? Next time perhaps you should read the enclosed refrigerator magnet, Five Dream Vacations You Can Take Right in Your Own Home for Practically Nothing.
Dear Ms Kendrick,
I do wish you hadn’t gone and done that. What problems between two people were ever solved by a lawsuit? Nonetheless, as your attorneys have requested, I am enclosing a check for the full amount of what you have (possibly) spent on the Kurt Luchs Money-Making System. Considering how tight things are around here lately, and with the sudden closing of our south-of-the-border operation, you’ll forgive me for sending this letter postage-due.
Sincerely,
Kurt Luchs
Former Part-Owner
P.S. I should mention that by opening and reading this letter you have now received the final lesson in the Kurt Luchs Money-Making System. That will explain the stop payment we have put on the enclosed check, as well as the invoice for additional consulting services that is being faxed to you at this moment.