2024 Presidential Debate
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
September 10, 2024
9:01 PM: The candidates enter. Vice President Kamala Harris walks up decisively to former President Donald Trump, introduces herself, and extends her hand to shake. Trump tells her to have fun and looks around expectantly to see when the actual candidate he will be debating will arrive.
9:02 PM: Moderators Linsey Davis and David Muir introduce the debate participants and note that there will be no audience in attendance because security advised there wasn’t a way to prevent Philadelphians from smuggling in hoagies. They ask the candidates to, whenever possible, inhabit the same universe, one that reflects general reality. Harris smiles. Trump squints.
9:03 PM: Davis begins the debate by focusing on a critical topic for most Americans: the economy. She asks Harris if she believes Americans are better off now than they were four years ago. Harris responds warmly and directly by ignoring the question and instead shares her plans for tax credits for families and small businesses. In a rare act of restraint, Trump waits until he’s called on and then replies with a string of unrelated words that include “tariffs,” “border,” and various Anthony Hopkins roles. His eyes, small black raisins nestled between pink caterpillar lids, shrink slightly further back into his skull. Harris then accuses Trump of wanting to implement Project 2025, a right-wing blueprint for the next Republican president. This causes Trump’s mouth and neck to frown simultaneously. “She knows better than anyone that I have nothing to do with Project 2025,” he says. “I haven’t read it, I’m not going to read it, everyone knows I can’t read. I’m told it has some good ideas, but I don’t read. Harris has no plan at all. Her plan is Run Spot Run. I did read that one. It is very good. The dog has to run away probably because of the illegal immigrants coming for it, you know, but it’s a very good book, very smart stuff. I talked to the best professors, and they said I’m the best reader, and I get all the star stickers.”
9:16 PM: Davis asks Trump why women trust him on abortion. Trump responds, “I did a great service. I am tremendous, and the people want the states to choose. The Democrats want to kill babies after the ninth month, they want to execute babies.” Davis replies in monotone, “There is no state in this country where it is legal to kill a baby after it is born.” Harris does a spit-take despite not having had a drink. Davis continues, “Would you veto a national abortion ban?” Trump’s eyes narrow further, creating a black void where the raisin eyes were, small circles of unseeing antimatter in an orange-tinted sea. “I won’t have to,” he responds, adding, “She just lies. It reminds me of her boss, if you call him a boss, he spends all his time at the beach. Some people are saying his job is the beach.” Davis asks flatly, “Do you think Vice President Harris has a boss whose job is the beach? Do you believe Ken, the doll from the Barbie universe, is the vice president’s boss?” Trump answers, “I don’t say anything. Many people tell me he’s just Ken, but I don’t know. I don’t know, they might be right. The beach is—” Davis cuts Trump’s mic.
9:21 PM: Staying on the topic of abortion, Davis says to Trump, “Your running mate, J. D. Vance, has said you would veto a national ban if it came to your desk.” Trump responds, “Who?” Davis repeats, “He is your running mate.” “Oh, that guy, god, he’s weird, but you know I don’t talk to him, but he might have his thoughts, and that’s okay, that’s okay. You know, I thought his name was Jay Defense, and I said, ‘That’s a big guy, Jay Defense, a big huge guy,’ and they said, ‘Sir, sir, it’s J. D. Vance,’ and that’s not as good, is it, folks? But that’s okay, I don’t judge.” Trump hunches forward in a vaguely melting fashion. Muir nods, “Thank you.”
9:26 PM: Responding to a question about the border, Harris smiles and pulls out a fishing rod, “I’m going to invite you to attend one of Donald Trump’s rallies,” she says, baiting the hook with a tiny dangling television tuned to Bravo. “He’ll talk about characters like Hannibal Lecter and windmills causing cancer to small crowds, and people leave these rallies early out of exhaustion.” She casts the TV so that it hangs just above Trump’s head. He jumps for it, but she pulls it away. Clearly agitated, he exclaims, “No one goes to her rallies! She doesn’t have any friends, and no one likes her, and my dad bought my whole birthday party, and you have to come, or else he’ll put you in jail.” Harris stares directly at Trump, smiles, and recasts. Trump, frenzied, says, “In Springfield, they’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the cats! They’re eating your pets!” David Muir nods, “Thank you. I just want to clarify we have reached out to the town of Springfield, and they say there are no credible reports of pets being harmed.” Trump continues jumping for the fishing line, “Santa’s Little Helper is in trouble! They’re doing ‘Snowball II,’ ‘Snowball III,’ ‘Snowball 19,’ and more ‘Snowballs’ than you’ve ever seen because of the Bumblebee Man. The people on my television say the dog was eaten, the people on the television!” Muir nods, “I’m not taking this from television.” Harris smiles, reels the TV back, and puts the rod away.
9:41 PM: Muir addresses Harris, “You have heard that President Trump thinks he didn’t lose the election that you and President Biden won.” Harris says, “Trump was fired by eighty-one million people, and clearly, he’s having a very hard time processing that. World leaders are laughing at Donald Trump.” Trump responds, “You know Viktor Orban? Very smart guy, great guy, he loves me, says I could be just like him when I take over and oust all rivals.” The nearly microscopic black holes where his eyes once were widen for a brief second, sucking in joy from anyone still capable of feeling it within a radius of one Wawa.
9:57 PM: After Trump criticizes Obamacare without offering an alternative healthcare plan of his own, Davis asks, “Yes or no, you still do not have a plan?” Trump frantically searches through his Trapper Keeper, “I have concepts of a plan,” he says. “But my dog—Biden’s dog ate it. Commander, what a mongrel. I would like to see the immigrants eat him, actually. It would be very sad, because I love animals. I’ve been to many zoos, folks, but Biden’s dog must pay the price for eating my concepts of a plan.”
10:13 PM: Davis asks Harris why some of her policies have changed over the years. “My values of advocating for what seems politically popular and will get me elected have not changed at all,” Harris answers. “Now, let me just put these various rakes around the stage and allow former President Trump to step on each one.” Trump immediately steps on a rake, which whacks him in the head. “I’m not walking on rakes,” he claims. “She’s walking on rakes!” He takes a step and lands on another rake. “She wants to do all the radical stuff, defund the police, ban fracking. She wants to do transgender operations on illegal immigrants that are in prison.” In the back of the auditorium, a stagehand holding a debate bingo card and a nearly empty bottle of vodka collapses. Trump notices the next rake and turns away, stepping on the first rake yet again. Muir nods, “Thank you.”
10:28 PM: After moving the debate to America’s place on the global stage, Muir presses Trump, asking, “It’s a yes-or-no question: Do you want Ukraine to win the war?” Trump looks down at his phone and responds that Putin still hasn’t texted him back about this, defensively adding, “She’s Biden, and she’s trying to pretend she’s not, but she’s Biden!” Harris shakes her head and sighs, “Clearly, I am not Joe Biden. It must be very scary for you right now. Do you know what year it is? Can you tell me your first name?” Trump’s phone dings, and he happily yelps, “Vlads!” only to melt further into the podium, muttering, “No, sorry, it’s the McDonald’s to-go app. Do you have it? It’s a tremendous app. McDonalds loves me. They have very special deals just for me, only for president me.”
CLOSING STATEMENTS
HARRIS: Tonight, you’ve heard two very different visions for the country, one that is focused on the future and one that is focused on whatever neurons in that egomaniacal head are randomly firing at any given moment. You might like me, and you might not, but I can speak a coherent sentence and am not currently threatening to have anyone killed or incarcerated, which, wildly, is a vast difference from the other person, who has inexplicably been elevated to this stage.
TRUMP: I don’t like her. She’s mean, everyone in here is mean. This is a failing nation that I’m in charge of, and I think I should run against Biden, who is dead. Where is he? We don’t see him. Is he with the Ghostbusters now, you know that one ghost, very sexy, very nice ghost taking the pants off, and they were very mean to the marshmallows, weren’t they? Very mean. I would like to wish everyone, including all haters and losers, of which, sadly, there are many, a truly happy and enjoyable debate. Oh, look, it’s Taylor Swift coming on stage. She loves me.
Taylor Swift, holding a cat, winks at the camera.