Dear [INSERT PARTNER’S NAME],

I can’t believe this day has finally arrived. We’ve been together for [NUMBER] years, but it feels like only yesterday when we first met. Me, a [GIRL/BOY] from [NAME OF CITY] and you, a [NEPHEW/TALL WOMAN] from [NAME OF TOWNSHIP]. Standing beside you today, I’m taken back to our first [BIZARRE SEXUAL ACT] at the [NEAREST LOCAL PANERA BREAD]. At that moment, I knew you were the one with whom I wanted to share my [PROBABLE AMOUNT OF TIME UNTIL DEATH].

Thank you for being you. Thank you for being so [PARTNER’S OBJECTIVE BEAUTY LEVEL] and for having such an incredible [RACK/SET OF NUTS]. I can gaze into your [SEVERITY OF PARTNER’S DEPRESSION] eyes and can’t help but think about [ANIMAL YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO]. You are thoughtful, kind and your [DEGREE OF BURNS] face can brighten my worst day. I love your big [FAVORITE VERTEBRA] and your even bigger [LUNG CAPACITY]. I love that we both bonded over [BOOK YOU’VE LIED ABOUT READING]. I love how we both have the same [PERSONAL DEFINITION OF AMERICAN FUNDAMENTALISM]. I love that on Sunday mornings, you always wake me up and make me [ANY 18TH CENTURY POLISH DELICACY]. And I love that cute face you make when you talk about [EISENHOWER’S WORST ECONOMIC POLICY MISTAKE, IN YOUR OPINION]. I love you so much, that it’s hard to be without you. When you’re not by my side, I feel [THAT GREAT FEELING YOU GET WHEN YOU’RE AWAY FROM YOUR PARTNER].

Today, I vow before [NAMES OF TWO NEIGHBORHOOD SEX-OFFENDERS], to be loving, faithful and to always be at [MOUNTAIN YOU’VE SUMMITED] when you need me. I vow to respect you as a person, a partner, and a [TYCOON/CYBORG]. I vow to stand by [YOUR OWN NAME] and to stand up for [YOUR OWN NAME]. I vow to accept your [READING LEVEL], to encourage your [RECURRING NIGHTMARE], and inspire you to achieve your [CALF SIZE]. I promise to be the very best [APPROPRIATE SLUR] I can be. I promise to share your joy in good times, and in bad times, to bear your [LEVEL OF HORNINESS]. I promise to put [EITHER OF THE HEMSWORTH BROTHERS] first, and to do the hard [DERIVED UNIT OF ENERGY] of making now into always. I will support you while you’re working at [PARTNER’S CURRENT HUMILIATING JOB] and while I continue my work with [CHEMICAL ELEMENT YOU’VE DISCOVERED]. I will love you, for better or worse, in sickness and [ROBERT DUVALL’S CURRENT MEDICAL CONDITION], for richer or [NICOLAS CAGE’S CURRENT LEVEL OF SUCCESS] as long as [THE BEARD LENGTH OF YOUR COMMUNITY’S WISEST RABBI]. My love knows no bounds. I love you more than [YOUR FAT INTAKE TRANSLATED INTO BHUTANESE]. More than [YOUR MOTHER’S WEIGHT ON MERCURY]. More than [(YOUR CUP-SIZE / YOUR LSAT SCORE) + (YOUR GUESS AS TO HOW MANY PEOPLE DIED IN THE GULF WAR WITHOUT GOOGLING) ^2].

I’m so happy to start this new chapter of our lives together, starting right here at [NAME OF CEMETERY YOUR BABYSITTER IS BURIED IN]. I’m excited to grow with you, even as time and life change us [AN INSIGNIFICANT QUANTITY]. I want to grow to [AGE UNDER 45] together and be your [SINGLES/DOUBLES] partner on all of life’s adventures. Together, let us build a [BASIC SOCIAL UNIT CONSISTING OF PARENTS AND THEIR CHILDREN, CONSIDERED AS A GROUP, POSSIBLY RELATED BY BLOOD] and a home filled with learning, laughter, and [SOMETHING COOL]. A life far better than [CELEBRITY CHEF WHO YOU’D BE OKAY WITH DYING] could imagine alone.

Surrounded by our [BREED OF DOGS], I, [RECENTLY DECEASED ACTRESS], take you, [UNCLE’S MIDDLE NAME], to be my wedded [CO-MORON / BEE-HARVESTER], to have and to [SCREW / SCREW] from this day forward to [FUCK O’CLOCK]. By this [NOOSE/BROKEN TWIG], you are sanctified to me as my spouse in accordance with the traditions of [CHRIST / MOSES / ALLAH / GANESH / ZEUS / NOTHINGNESS / ∞ / MAVIS LENO]. And with these words, and all the words of my [WHO CARES], I marry [NAME OF PERSON YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO MARRY] and bind my [YOUR MOST VIOLENT ALLERGY] to yours. What I possess in this [YOUR GALACTIC COORDINATES], I give to you. I give you my [NICKNAME OF FATHER’S GENITALS]. I give you my [MAKE OF GUN YOU USED TO KILL YOUR PARTNER’S DOG]. I give you my heart — to be partners, friends, and [TERMINATORS/SLUTS], today and for the next [NUMBER OF DANIEL BALDWIN MOVIES YOU’VE SEEN] days of my life.