Thirty Illnesses, Sorted According to Whether or Not You Can Eat the Victims

Illnesses Whose Victims
May Not Be Safely Eaten

1. Rabies

2. Chickenpox

3. Leukemia

4. Tuberculosis

5. The common cold

6. Hodgkin’s disease

7. Hepatitis¹

8. Leprosy

9. Crohn’s disease²

10. Mono (aka mononucleosis, the Epstein-Barr virus, the kissing disease)

11. AIDS

12. Influenza

13. Malaria³

14. Herpes (genital or oral)

15. SARS

Illnesses Whose Victims
May Be Safely Eaten

1. Color blindness

2. Tourette’s syndrome

3. Alzheimer’s disease

4. Breast, thyroid, liver, and prostate cancers⁴

5. Asthma

6. HIV

7. Cholera⁵

8. Chlamydia⁵

9. Syphilis⁵

10. Diphtheria⁵

11. Muscular dystrophy

12. Tinnitus

13. Type 2 diabetes

14. Parkinson’s disease

15. Homesickness

¹ It may be safe to consume a victim of hepatitis if you carefully avoid the liver.

² At one time, it was believed that Crohn’s disease was a genetic disorder and thus its victims were safe to devour. Recent studies, however, suggest that Crohn’s is an infectious environmental bacteria, linked to Johne’s disease, which infects ruminants. If this is correct, victims of Crohn’s may not be safely consumed.

³ It may be safe to consume a victim of malaria if the blood is drained and the liver is avoided.

⁴ Victims may not be consumed if cancer was induced by hepatitis virus.

⁵ Slight chance that these diseases would infect through the mouth/esophagus mucosa before they could be destroyed by the acidity of the stomach. Thus, their victims could not be said to be “safe.”