Attention, bank employees and patrons! This is a robbery. Remain calm, lie down on the ground, and check in with yourselves. Do you have the emotional capacity for us to rob you right now?

Don’t look my partner in the eye. Don’t look at him! He’s super socially anxious. He just takes a little time to open up. Once you get to know him, though? He has the heart of a poet.

NO TALKING. Let’s all embrace this opportunity for silence with a deep inhale. That’s it. Now, with your next exhale, place your wallets and valuables into this NPR tote bag. Many of you may be feeling discomfort. That’s totally okay! Discomfort is a gift. It’s the body’s way of telling you there is more for you to learn.

Ma’am, please stop struggling while I’m binding your hands. I can’t let you go free, but I can offer you your choice of rope. Do you like cotton or twine?

Excellent choice! If I were in your shoes, I’d also choose that rope. See, this is why we bring options. Sasha said people won’t care, but like, some people care. You never know who has skin allergies or is sensorially triggered by certain fabrics. We need to make space for everyone—

Sir, I told you to stay down. I won’t ask again. In the interest of radical transparency, let me say: I will shoot you.

I am now placing Aveeno lotion samples by each of your heads. The samples are for post-robbery after-care. Assuming there is an after. Just kidding! Sort of. We’re doing everything we can to make sure you have an after. But if you want to get through this, you also need to show up. It can’t all be on us. This is a collaboration.

Oh, and the lotion is unscented, of course. We’re not monsters.

[BANG]

…

…

Okay, let’s unpack what just happened.

I shot the bank manager. I had to, because I set a boundary. I told him not to move, and I told him what would happen if he did. That’s called a boundary. I need everyone to respect my boundaries. If you think about it, violating a boundary is violence. So really, he attacked me first.

I want to take a moment to thank you all for your cooperation. It’s hard to find people who really listen, and honestly, most of you guys are great. Whoops, is it okay to call you “guys”? I should have used a gender-neutral term. “Y’all are great.” Y’all. Sorry, I’m still learning.

Uh oh, bad news, everyone. The cops are on their way. Damn it. I can’t imagine the police being any help in this situation. Or any situation. I mean, I have white privilege, but obviously we’re allies. ACAB, am I right?

Please, please keep each other safe. White-presenting people, I’m dragging you closest to the door to protect the others. Society isn’t fair, so we all have to do our part to look out for one another. When you have your phones back, we encourage you to video the cops to provide accountability.

Now, everybody, stay down on the floor, count to a hundred, and be sure to consult this list of sliding-scale therapists if you need help processing this trauma.

Have a joyful day!