This Publicly Funded Stadium Will Benefit Everyone Who Owns the Stadium

The hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars used to build this new stadium will benefit everyone in our city, as long as they own the stadium and the billion-dollar sports team playing inside.

The stadium will be a community space enjoyed by all who can afford a $175 ticket and a steady supply of $37 Dasanis. It will be surrounded by luxurious new apartments (that I own), brand-new stores (that I own), and dozens of new locally owned restaurants that I’ll evict after six months to make room for a Wetzel’s Pretzels (that I own and enjoy).

We’re all going to benefit from the new jobs. We’ll need security guards to break up drunken brawls between sunburned stepdads, custodians to wipe up the puke off those stepdads’ inconsiderate stepsons, and plenty of whatever job deals with both of those groups barreling off the freeway in their Chevy Panzers.

I know I could pay for the stadium myself, but the community needs me to be frugal so I can fund other necessary developments like another country club for underprivileged CEOs.

Residents constantly shout that they prefer better-funded schools, well-kept parks, and an upgraded sewer system. Usually, they’re shouting this at the tinted windows of my SUV or as I’m hustled into a congressional hearing. Rest assured: no one will be able to hear any of those residents over the sound of 60,000 screaming hooligans marching through downtown like a Miller Lite–soaked Roman Legion.

But I fully agree that the public should benefit from public spending. That’s why I’ve committed to building a little bike lane or something. You people can use that, and I can use the writhing web of local bureaucracy to enrich myself, my family, and the politicians I fund to keep this slobbering monstrosity of grift going. Also, the bike lane was removed in favor of a lane dedicated to SUVs powered by the barely repressed rage of the fans inside.

Speaking of transit, I’ll also personally fund (via a generous tax credit) a bus that drops fans off twenty-five minutes away from the stadium. It runs every six weeks.

I’m committed to involving the public in this project. We’re going to include so many of you in our planned housing demolition to make way for the private jet parking lot. Every time your roof rumbles from an overheard Gulfstream G150, you’ll think with a smile, maybe that’s my jet (it’s not; it’s Dua Lipa’s).

If the city agrees to fund this new stadium, we all benefit. I’ll benefit financially, of course, in the form of billions of dollars in profits and increasing team value, and all of you can hear the game from the bar down the street (if I haven’t bought it yet).