“Trump’s erratic trade policies are baffling businesses, threatening investment and economic growth.” — AP
Tariffs shall apply to all exports unless we have a surplus of certain exports and need to offload. Then we’ll cut you a great deal. You like corn?
Tariffs shall apply to all imports unless more than 50 percent of American children ask for that import for Christmas. Remember: Kids don’t really want loose poutine in their stockings.
If you tariff us after we’ve already tariffed you, we’ll tariff you again. It’ll definitely stop there. Probably.
Tariffs shall apply to all cars not made in the United States unless the cars made in the United States need parts from other countries to legally be considered a car. The same applies to airplanes, but honestly, no one’s keeping track of airplanes.
Tariffs shall not be in effect on April Fools’ Day (To be clear: There’s not not not not not tariffs on April 1.)
There will be no tariffs on Denmark giving us Greenland.
Tariffs apply to dogs. If your children ask for a Chihuahua, get them an American dog, like a German shepherd.
Tariffs do not apply to guns. This is a free country that does not place unreasonable limitations on the comings and goings of goods that their preferred voting base needs.
Tariffs shall apply to outgoing red apples but not incoming green. Yellow apples shall be fed to the horses. The horses shall be charged tar hooves.
Tariffs shall be placed on goods ordered from major Canadian cities during business hours, which vary widely depending on who you ask.
Tariffs shall ebb and flow with the cycles of the moon and turn on/off completely depending on whether Pluto is informally recognized as a planet by the majority of the occupants in any given room.
Tariffs shall be 50 percent on exported eggs until you all stop liking Egg McMuffins so much. We aren’t actually sure if chickens live in other countries, so we haven’t put any import tariffs on them, but that can change on a moment’s notice. As far as we can tell, Denmark is hiding all the healthy chickens in Greenland. Right next to the gold.
Tariffs shall be applied at a rate of 40 percent to all IKEA furniture until they change the names to things we can pronounce. After that, the tariff will go up by 20 percent. Those bookcases are ugly.
Tariffs shall be quadruple double-dog-dare-you times a million on fentanyl. All drugs are tariffed, sans Elon’s ketamine, which he procures from a former Kentucky Derby racehorse turned drug dealer named Smokey Toes. He lives in Quebec with his horse wife and makes a killing exporting green apples. And ketamine. You guys are buying this, right?
Beautiful tariffs shall not be applied to Vogue Italia, since only people waiting in dentists’ offices read those.
Tariffs and bird flu mandate that corn is now a grain, a vegetable, a fruit, and dairy. Eat up!
If Mexico does not transfer production of whatever is produced in Mexico to a retirement community in Flagstaff, Arizona, there’s gonna be problems. And tariffs.
Tariffs will put the economy through a detox period. Consider this helpful health analogy: The stock market is like a cardiograph, and tariffs are that thing where the heart surgeon purposefully makes the patient crash and code before desperately resuscitating them to half-mast and blaming globalists. The surgeon flunked out of six medical schools, and the anesthesiologist has a ketamine addiction.
Tariffs shall be applied at a rate of 100 percent to pogo sticks. This needs no further explanation.
Tariffs will not apply to any regions of Canada we annex into the fifty-first state. Come and join us: no tariffs, no apologies, no health care.
If you tariff us, we’ll tariff you tenfold. If you tariff us again after that, we’ll figure something out. We started it, and we’ll keep it going until we get bored with the whole tit-for-tat theatrics. It’s pretty exhausting having to return fire. There’s a reason the president is into golf and not tennis. The ball doesn’t usually come back once it’s been hit.
Corn is now tariff free!