A: I don’t even have cable anymore.
B: Well, listen, good for you. I personally haven’t even owned a TV since 2008, but nevertheless, I am happy for you.
A: Did I say “anymore”? Because, in fact, I’ve never owned a TV. I am only vaguely aware of what a TV looks like. One time I just sat in front of a microwave, looking at it for a long period of time, wondering whether it would begin airing episodes of The White Lotus. It did not.
B: Yes, that makes sense. However, I do not know what a “The White Lotus” is. I am assuming it is a kind of flower. Because looking at flowers is the only kind of entertainment I need most days. If I absolutely must, I will watch TV on my laptop, with passwords shared by old boyfriends. Some of whom are now in long-term committed relationships and by now have adult children. Good for them.
A: Yes, good for them. And for you. I, on the other hand, don’t even own a laptop anymore. I highly recommend this. If I must watch TV, I watch it on my phone.
B: Oh, I got rid of my phone ages ago. I did not drop it in a toilet. It is gone for some other much better reason. The truth is, I only watch movies. In movie theaters. Sometimes I go see live sports too, but I do not enjoy it. I do it to support my community.
A: That’s nice. The only entertainment I have is a puppet show theater in my living room, where local puppeteers come over and reenact that week’s big premieres and old episodes of The West Wing. I also do not enjoy it.
B: Good for you. I like to go out to the puppet show theater in my local community center, which is really just one guy hanging out in a park, and it’s only open on Fridays. At 11:46 p.m. To support my community. The shows are incomprehensible nonsense.
A: I pay a kindly old woman to come to my house every night at eight o’clock sharp and pantomime Ken Burns documentaries. She makes more money than I do. And she is 100 percent organic. As in carbon-based.
B: Just a small correction: By “I go to see live sports,” I mean I go to local children’s tee-ball games. I also don’t root for any particular team, just for everyone to have a good time. I hate it so much, but I do it for them. I believe that these children are also 100 percent organic.
A: That’s nice. The only entertainment I need is standing on the street and observing humanity in all its flawed, varied greatness, and then extrapolate stories from that.
B: I don’t extrapolate stories; I just let the human experience wash over me without making inferences or judgments.
A: I look in a mirror until my own self-image has no meaning.
B: I stopped eating food for pleasure weeks ago.
A: I just sit in a dark corner and think about my own mortality.
B: I accept my own mortality while inside my closet, with a handful of prescription medication.
A: I am currently dead and have no need for entertainment.
B: Good for you.