Dear Mortals,
We know the emergence of The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and the impending Rapture has brought a lot of added stress and uncertainty into your lives. We hope you are holding up during these unprecedented times.
Our country was founded on two basic principles: the right to freely choose our representatives at the local, state, and federal level, and the impending complete and final destruction of our world that is now well underway.
However, the Apocalypse is a non-partisan institution and will not be paused for Election Day.
The future of our nation depends on the voice of the people. But a moratorium on Apocalypse-related activities would give an unfair advantage to those that consider themselves “Anti-Apocalypse.” As a publicly-traded entity, we cannot take a stance on such a divisive matter.
While we support all mortal beings exercising their civic duty, we have a fiduciary duty to our shareholders. We’ll need the wildfires, pandemic, and societal hatred firing (ha!) on all cylinders for the arrival of the Antichrist on November 6th, and our IPO on November 9th.
We firmly believe that no mortal being should have to choose between voting safely and exposure to the wrath of the Apocalypse. Therefore, we will not be offering a choice at all. It is peril or nothing.
Please note that posting pro-voting messages on personal social media accounts violates our company code of conduct, and will result in your (physical) termination.
For those brave (foolish) enough to head to the polls, we encourage you to draft a voting plan. How will blood showers affect your public transportation route? Will the locusts penetrate the walls of your child’s daycare? Do you live in a state with Voter ID legislation?
Our democracy works best when we all participate. Please remember that participating will almost certainly result in your demise.
Stay safe!
Sincerely,
War, Famine, Death, and Conquest