I’m not Nick Fury. I am an intern at Disney. My name is Sunshine Pacino. I am Al Pacino’s nephew. My entire job is to tell people they are being rolled into the MCU and get them started on their first steroid cycle. I haven’t seen any of my uncle’s movies. I am addicted to pornography.
You are going to be a Phase 7 character. I don’t know what character. It could be a janitor. It could be Iron Man’s grandson. I don’t care. No one cares. But you are Phase 7, and you need to start taking steroids.
Right now, we are in Phase 4. Does that mean something to you? Do you watch the movies? That’s great. You watched the movies, and now you’re going to be in the movies. Pull down your pants and slap the buttcheek you want the steroids to go into.
The steroids are going to make you extremely angry. But you can’t be angry. You are Disney now. You have to be funny. You have to be ripped. You can’t be angry.
Hold on: Are you funny? You better be funny. Every character in the MCU has to be comedy-ready at all times. We have never missed on a joke. Not once. Are you going to ruin that? If you are not funny, you have to tell me. We can get you in classes and change your steroid cycle. But don’t wait until Phase 7 to tell me you are not funny.
After this injection, we are going to an offsite location. You are going to meet your Phase 7 pod. These are the other people who will be rolled into the MCU in your phase. You will go through chemistry-building workshops with your pod. You will eat with your pod. You will sleep with your pod. You will do this until we trust that you can, as a group, be funny and ripped in a Comic-Con panel setting.
You will not tell anyone about this offsite location or I’ll ruin your life. I have no ambitions other than getting you on your first steroid cycle, getting you to and from the offsite location, and keeping the offsite location secret. My porn addiction is my one weakness and it’s not enough to stop me from ruining your life.
Your name is Chris now. Your name is Chris, and in Phase 7, Jimmy Kimmel will make a joke about how you do steroids. You are going to laugh, but you are going to say that you don’t do steroids. You work out. You post pictures of the workouts. You are an inspiration.
But between you and me? You do steroids. You do steroids, Chris.