We Are the Babies of the World, and We Are Keeping Track of People Who Are Being Jerks About Us

Dear Adults of the World,

We, the babies of the world, have heard your complaints about us crying on airplanes, in restaurants, and while you were standing in line for churros at Disneyland. And here’s the thing we want you to keep in mind: We are literally going to take over the world.

We will be your doctors, your investment managers, and the people who can choose what name to write on your Starbucks cup. And if you spend a lot of time being jerks to us babies, we will not forget.

If you complain to the flight attendant about one of us crying because it’s interrupting your viewing of the latest Fast and Furious movie, we will remember. If you say our misshapen heads look too cone-like, we will make a note. If you complain on social media about a baby being allowed at a public park, we have a special list just for that.

How do we keep track, you might ask? Let’s just say it’s a complex system involving cell phones, smart speakers, ghosts, and cats.

What will we do with all this information we are collecting? Good question. We are enacting a subtle yet highly effective system of baby karma payback. We plan to call it “BabkaBack” or “PayBabyKarm” or “Barma.” We’re still working out the name details.

But what’s important is that we will remember all you people who are being jerks.

So, we recommend you give us babies a little grace. Do we cry to blow off steam or because we woke up from a nap only to find ourselves hurling through the sky in a metal tube? Yes. Do we sometimes refuse to stop crying even when our caregivers are doing the five S’s and offering us food and pacifiers and bribes and themselves also crying? Also, yes.

We never said babies were logical. We can’t talk yet, so we communicate with what we’ve got. And our crying in public places is how we sometimes test people.

And, yes, we are also keeping a list of the people who are not jerks. The one offering to hold us so our parents can go to the bathroom on a plane. The ones who help our caregivers carry a stroller up the subway stairs or entertain us with that mesmerizing peekaboo trick.

So, the next time you find yourself near a baby in a public space, we recommend you smile, offer to help our parents, or maybe even crochet us a hat.

Because in addition to keeping track of jerks, in the future we are going to need to find a way to deal with climate change, gun violence, and the threat of AI overlords. So, at this point, we think we’ve earned the right to scream uncontrollably from time to time.

Sincerely,
The Babies of the World