From the brains that brought you BARCADE, the PINT SIZED franchise lets you get drunk while reliving your best memories of preschool and daycare! At each PINT SIZED location, you can look forward to:

NO COVER CHARGE

However, we do require an adult to drop you off. Your Uber driver is fine if your parents can’t be bothered or are dead. Passcode to get in is “this is harder for you than it is for them,” which we we’ll whisper unconvincingly to whoever brings you.

TOYS

All of your early childhood favorites are here! We’ve got adult-sized stacking cups, a gigantic c-scale xylophone, and MOTHER FUCKIN’ BUBBLES. Oh shit, what’s that sharp pain in your foot? That’s right, you just stepped on a GIANT-ASS LEGO. That’s when the sirens go off and everyone should LASH OUT IN PAIN TO WHOEVER IS NEAREST. Bottoms up!

SAFETY

Worried about germs? You should be. Everyone on staff has a cold. And over there is the FEVER VIP LOUNGE — all those selfish assholes have fevers, but here they are, licking all your stuff anyway!

DRINKS

We like to call our mixologist “Dr. Drink,” because she’s that good at pouring out the good times. Shots! Shots! Shots shots shots shots! Aw, snap — that last one was real! Everyone got their T-DAP!

Wi-Fi

No Wi-Fi, but if you need to reach out to someone while you’re at PINT SIZED, scoot on over to our Communications Lounge. It’s filled with colorful, plastic rotary phones that you can pick up and hear a harried voice on the other end saying one of six pre-recorded messages, including, “I’m in a very important meeting right now, can this wait?” and “I told you only to call if it’s an emergency.” AWWWW, SHIT: let’s buy a round for the newest traveler on the Homesick Express!

STORY TIME

Mr. Bruce the bouncer will read to you from a six foot tall picture book. WARNING: if you say you have a question, but your question starts with “Um, one time…” Mr. Bruce will throw you out faster than you can say “make way for ducklings.” WE DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THAT SHIT.

GAMES

You’ll always be able to find someone to play with at PINT SIZED. Are you a fan of Peek-a-Boo? Cover up your eyes… now open them. Where did your childhood go?

It’s gone. And so is grandma.

EXITS

Are barred by a safety gate.

LEGAL DISCLAIMER

PINT SIZED cannot be held responsible for the “getting” of anyone’s nose, real or imagined.