Good evening, and thank you all for attending this important town hall meeting. Due to budget cuts, we’re excited to announce our groundbreaking merger with Spirit Halloween.
Yes, you heard correctly—Spirit Halloween, your go-to for spooky décor and flimsy costumes that disintegrate in a light breeze, is the new future of this hospital. But don’t worry, patient care is still a top priority. Half of the ER will still handle medical emergencies. The other half will be a fully functional Spirit Halloween pop-up store. I realize this is an unconventional decision, but let’s be real, the only part of this hospital turning a profit has been the parking lot. It’s time to expand our portfolio.
I know some of you may be concerned about the optics of a giant inflatable ghost hovering outside a hospital. Does it send the wrong message? Maybe. But when weighed against the message of “We’re shutting down, and the closest emergency room is 178 miles away,” Casper here doesn’t seem so bad. Plus, it’s a friendly ghost. Sort of.
But here’s where it gets really exciting: this merger isn’t just a one-way street. Our hospital staff will be assisting Spirit Halloween customers, sure, but in a bold twist, Spirit Halloween employees will also be helping out in the ER. Cross-training at its finest. You might see someone stocking rubber severed limbs one minute, then applying a gauze bandage to the actual stump of a severed limb the next. Talk about efficiency.
Patient privacy? Don’t worry. Our research shows a surprising overlap between Spirit Halloween shoppers and ER patients. Honestly, the two groups are practically interchangeable. Now, you can pick up a Freddy Krueger mask and get your pleural effusion drained all in one trip. Plus, the patient rooms conveniently double as dressing rooms. Why just get stitches when you can try on your vampire cape at the same time?
Of course, I get it—this seems drastic. But let’s face it, rural hospitals like ours are barely hanging on. Medicare plans drown us in paperwork, making it impossible to turn a profit unless we start offering luxury VIP appendectomies with complimentary champagne. Meanwhile, private insurance companies are busy collecting premiums while doctors are stuck on the phone chasing prior authorizations, leaving little time to care for their patients. The result? Patients fighting to survive in a system that’s barely functioning. Talk about spooky.
So, since we can’t keep our doors open by treating patients, we’re hoping to turn a profit by selling cheap Spider-Man and sexy nurse costumes. It’s not ideal, but we’ve got bills to pay.
Spirit Halloween guests will enter through the same doors as emergency patients, and while our new visitors peruse racks of costumes, patients will be treated in the remaining half of the space. It’s a win-win. Plus, patients leaving the ER will get a 10 percent coupon for Spirit Halloween. Because nothing says, “I just survived a heart attack,” quite like a discount on a zombie bride costume.
Pharmacists will be trained to run the cash registers, much like they do at CVS, where you can conveniently purchase random Halloween decorations alongside your medications. And scrubs? Who needs scrubs anymore? You can now choose any costume from the Spirit Halloween catalog as your work uniform. Concerned about delivering bad news while dressed as Shrek? Don’t be. We’ve done the research, and it turns out the emotional impact is the same whether you’re in scrubs or dressed like a giant green ogre.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Why the heck are we doing this?” Well, we owe the electric company $308 million. That’s the equivalent of 6,845,965 Adult Men’s Zookeeper Costumes. If every person who walks through our doors this October buys just one or two thousand of them, we’ll be debt-free in no time. Fun fact: Our backup generator? Also from Spirit Halloween. It’s a smoke machine with two USB ports.
So, if you want the outlets to keep working and the defibrillator paddles to do more than just emit a spooky mist, remember: sell, sell, sell!
Sure, you spent years perfecting your craft as clinicians, but now you can also be top-tier sales associates. Imagine the possibilities. No longer are you just a doctor or EKG tech—you can show up to work as Elsa from Frozen, Batman, or even a chainsaw-wielding serial killer. The choice is yours. That’s what makes this whole merger so thrilling.
So, let’s all get ready for this bold, creepy new future together. We’re still saving lives—just now with a little more fun-sized candy and fake cobwebs. I hope you’re ready to embrace the Spirit Halloween lifestyle. After all, their motto is “So much fun, it’s scary,” which, if you think about it, perfectly describes working in our ER.