Niccolo Machiavelli

When one child refuses to go to school, ignore their insolence and lavish praise on their compliant sibling. Malcolm puts on his shoes perfectly! Malcolm gets a toy from the prize jar! Once the first child succumbs and leaves on time, swiftly punish their infraction by fashioning a mini-guillotine from the bagel slicer. Decapitate their Paw Patrol toys one by one while both children watch in horror. Hang the severed heads around the house. Wave the bagel slicer threateningly every morning.

Friedrich Nietzsche

There are no higher powers, least of all yours, and your parenting has no purpose. Your child will become an adult regardless of this one morning. So, who cares if you’re late? Rejoice in the chaos of absent expectations.

Thomas Jefferson

Fie! Instruct your kinsmen to direct their ire at your common enemy, the tyrannical administration of King George Elementary School. They are the ones levying taxes and strict five-minute import-export curfews without providing bus service. Yet they are merely people, created and equal under God; their happiness is no more important than yours. Call on your child and their brethren. Announce you shall march to school, not to attend, but to distribute pamphlets urging all kindergarten parents to form a united republic that will self-determine appropriate drop-off windows.

Plato

Ask your child what they mean by they “can’t” put on their shoes, backpack, and socks. Have they lost the physical ability to so? Or their emotional interest? Why is today different than yesterday? What will be the consequence of their action on you? And to themselves? Does this make for an orderly and just society? Who is in charge of maintaining such a society? What punishment should occur? Who will receive it?

Mao Zedong

WAKE YOUR CHILD WITH THE MAGNIFICENT NEWS THEY ARE THE GREATEST GENERATION YOUR FAMILY HAS EVER SEEN. THEY SHALL INHERIT YOUR LEGACY AND ITS GLORY THROUGH THEIR HARD WORK AND DEVOTION. IGNORE COMPLAINTS OF HUNGER OR EXHAUSTION. IF THEY CANNOT PERFORM EVERY TASK ON THE CHORE WHEEL OVERNIGHT WITH ENOUGH TIME TO BE READY FOR SCHOOL, THEY ARE ENEMIES OF THE STATE. THEIR FAILURE IS DUE TO LACKING FAITH, FERVOR, AND MORALITY. HUMILATE THEM IN FRONT OF THEIR PEERS EACH MORNING UNTIL THEY RECANT. AND THEY WILL RECANT. BECAUSE THEY ARE THE GREATEST GENERATION YOUR FAMILY HAS EVER SEEN. THEY SHALL INHERIT YOUR LEGACY AND ITS GLORY THROUGH THEIR HARD WORK AND DEVOTION.

Adam Smith

Be calm, dear parent, there is no need for yelling or conscription, instead rely on your toddler’s inborn self-interest. For every day your child is punctual, provide them with a dollar. When they are late, penalize them fifty cents. After a period, mandate their earnings must also be used to pay you, their landlord, for security, housing, and food. Their morning antics will come to an end as they yoke themselves to your pitiless tasks, desperate to secure the funds necessary for survival.

Miranda Priestly

There are a million children that would kill for this opportunity. In fact, if your own child doesn’t get ready for school by the time you’ve finished knotting your Hermes scarf, then just replace them with a skinnier, more stylish, and more grateful child from Instagram. On the drive to school, casually mention that if they don’t shape up, you won’t bring them on the annual trip to Paris, whoops, Disneyland. That’s all.

Dr. Becky

When a child is writhing on the floor throwing oatmeal at the wall, they’re really asking you for some sturdy leadership. Go ahead and give it to them. Lie down, grasp both their hands and yell validating statements about how separation is hard. Once you’ve out-screamed them, say in a firm voice that you’re the captain right now. Set a clear boundary and stick to it. This is absolutely distinguishable from completely losing your shit for no reason. It is. Yes, it is. YES, IT IS.

Jack the Pumpkin King

Steal that better-behaved child you’ve had your eye on and tell him he lives with you now. Go to bed, excited and giddy at the prospect of tomorrow’s smooth and stress-free morning. When the stolen child proves disappointing, simply return and repeat. Do this over and over until you begin to suspect the problem isn’t your child’s behavior but the crippling anxiety that’s been brewing inside you since you turned forty. Realize it’s time to accept yourself and your child for who you are: skeletons.