“FIRE!”
“There’s a fire and it could hurt someone other than me, a woman!”
“A man is on fire!”
“A judge with a penis is on fire!”
“A professional athlete with a penis is on fire!”
“A sports trophy that was awarded to a man is on fire!”
“A box of donuts is on fire!”
“Someone’s throwing out donuts!”
“I’m a woman and I’m thinking of cutting my hair short!”
“I’m pregnant and I’m not sure if I’m going to keep it!”
“I’m pregnant and the fetus is on fire! (You can let me burn, though.)”
“My baby’s car seat clip is positioned incorrectly!”
“Jet fuel can melt steel beams!”
“These steel beams are on fire, but really, they were just asking for it!”
“This rapist just put a cast-iron skillet in the dishwasher!”
“This rapist loaded his dishwasher incorrectly!”
“I can’t finish this beer!”
“I’m dumping out this beer! (It’s a microbrew!)”
“You can’t ‘seal in a meat’s juices’ — meat is porous!”
“I’m unconfident over how I’m using this weight machine!”
“They’re trying to limit the number of assault rifles you can own at one time!”
“What does the AR in AR15 actually stand for? I think I know the answer, but really I don’t!”
“A trans person is drying their hands in a public bathroom!”
“The National Anthem is playing before sports and someone’s kneeling, which is upsetting, even though, like most Americans, I don’t even know all the words to the National Anthem!”
“I’ve never seen The Godfather!”
“Frankenstein is the name of the monster!”
“Van Halen is not very musically significant in the rock and roll landscape!”
“Are whales fish!”
“Are tomatoes a vegetable!”
“Is a hotdog a sandwich!”