Australian Shepherd: Two of your bridesmaids were canines, but not the one that shat at the altar.
Beagle: Writing from the rooftop was not the boon to your freelance career you thought it would be.
Bloodhound: You’ve been eating small quantities of acorns for years in preparation for societal collapse.
Bolognese: Be careful what you order when you’re high.
Border Collie: You got giardia from a Tough Mudder obstacle course race.
Cavoodle: You’ve lost sleep over a Christmas card font.
Chinese Crested: You’re one Brazilian wax away from an intervention.
Croatian Sheepdog: Yes, you did mention that you were a Fulbright Scholar.
Dalmatian: It’s not animal hoarding if you’re privileged!
German Shepherd: Home security isn’t everything, it’s THE ONLY THING.
Great Dane: You’re not ashamed to share food with your dog. Or your mattress in the back of a van. Or the occasional joint at an abandoned fairground.
Irish Wolfhound: It was cheaper than getting the kids a pony.
Italian Greyhound: Your anxiety loves company. And tiny puddles of urine.
Jack Russell Terrier: Your desperation for a meet-cute has resulted in some catastrophic ER bills.
Lagotto Romagnolo: You think Pottery Barn is a little pedestrian.
Löwchen: Most people hang their diplomas in the office, but the kitchen is fine, I guess.
Poodle (standard): It’s a handy sublimation for your love of the Muppet Grover.
Poodle (miniature): It’s an oblique sublimation for your love of the Muppet Fozzie.
Poodle (toy): Your child is the wealthy villain in a John Hughes movie.
Portuguese Water Dog: You’re as famous for your arms as you are for your advocacy.
Pug: You have a soft spot for mouth breathers.
Scottish Terrier: Your wife insists you shave your mustache, but the subconscious finds a way.
Shih Tzu: You either adore or detest mildly vulgar puns.
Siberian Husky: You can tell the difference between a TJ Maxx candle and an Anthropologie candle.
West Highland White Terrier: You frequently update your last will and testament as a threat to your relatives.