Holy Christ in blue heaven, something’s got to change when it comes to putting our children in harm’s way, in the one place they should feel safe, all because of our inability to control books.

We’ve been patient up to this point, but goddammit, I’ve boiled over like instant white rice in the Martha Stewart Signature Series saucepan my wife gets angry at me for using. So pardon me while I scream it heavenward to every angel floating about peacefully and looking down on us, but: When in American god’s good name and the honor of this country will we wake up and get tough on book control?

Or do you mean to stand here before me, looking me in my goddamn normal and well-fed face full of healthy vitality and faith, and tell me you’re okay with kids dying?

Books were made for certain situations—combat and law enforcement—and in most cases, there is absolutely no need for everyday average folks to have them. I’m sick of waking up at night hoping to white Christ, Mary, and Joseph that the next day doesn’t bring news of kids hiding under desks or amongst piles of peers already changed or influenced by information. Where the hell is the information coming from, you ask? Books, my friend. And on every one of our nation’s school campuses you’ve got a room full of them with SEVERAL UNLOCKED DOORS LEADING INTO THAT ROOM.

And here’s the part that should have us rioting in the streets with our Bushmaster XM-15s or any reasonably priced AR-15-inspired substitute: Anyone (yes, even kids) can get their hands on a book with very little in the way of background information or any other means of vetting.

Sometimes I lie in bed at night, the scene below playing out in my head, and it about makes me want to rip up a busy auto dealership or Dollar General with the Smith & Wesson M&P15 I purchased from Americans Love Freedom, a federally licensed gun dealer near me. I try in vain to get some sleep, but up on the ceiling an everyday America I never imagined in my worst nightmares comes to life:

“Hi, my name is Jimmy, and I’d like to be able to do as I please with this book for upwards of two weeks.”

“Absolutely no problem, Mr. Jimmy! Just give me your name and homeroom, and it’s essentially yours to do with as you please. Enjoy destroying you and your peers with information and creativity, and please come back when you’re done BECAUSE WE HAVE BOOKS EVEN MORE POWERFUL AND DANGEROUS THAN THE ONE YOU’VE CHECKED OUT!”

“Sounds great to me!” says Jimmy. “Are you sure you don’t need to ban this or get more background information from me since I’m a kid?”

“NOPE! WHY IN THE DIRTY DEVIL’S NAME WOULD I NEED TO DO THAT? BY THE WAY, VOTE FOR DEMOCRATS ONCE YOU’RE OLD ENOUGH, JIMMY!”

You may know these rooms as libraries, but I call them “Devil Structures” or “Murder Caverns” because we may as well be honest and just call ’em what they are, based on the danger they’re putting our children in far too regularly. Tomorrow will likely bring another heartbreaking headline about kids being influenced, informed, changed, or inspired. Yet in some blue states you can walk down the street with a book, right out in the open.

I’ve heard the arguments against Book Control and they’re all a bunch of chudwipe that gets the noodle on the top end of me in a state fit for setting every “library” in our nation on fire for the greater good.

The biggest argument against tougher laws on books, you ask? “If books are banned, only bad people will have books.”

HOLY WISE MEN ON CAMELS BEARING GIFTS FOR A TINY KING, YOU MUST BE JOKING…! Tell me the last time a “good person” with a book was able to stop a bad person with a book who was influenced and changed by the information or “creativity” within the book?

GO AHEAD. I’LL WAIT.

I won’t really actually wait, because I would be waiting for up to a million years, almost six times the age of our fine country herself.