FAO: All staff
Subject: Record growth/layoffs

Dear Office Family,

I just wanted to write to thank you all for your dedicated work on our journey together this year. We went from a scrappy blog based in my mom’s garage to a multi-billion-dollar media company in just twelve months. We’ve enjoyed record growth, and our hedge fund parent company couldn’t be more thrilled, which is why I’m unfortunately going to be a super uncool boss for a moment and lay off 40% of you.

As a company, we’ve simply grown too fast and have forgotten core mission. We’re spending money on all these boring corporate business things like “a functioning HR department” and “giving people pensions” and “air conditioning,” and honestly, we just never wanted to be like that. We’ve drifted too far from our true spiritual mantra of bringing people content on their phones that distracts them from meaningful interactions with their families.

Most of the employees who are being let go have already been notified (see our Instagram story). We’ll be offering severance packages in the form of as many free snacks from the snack nook as you can carry out of the building in your hands. If you have any questions about your final paycheck, the accounts department (Craig) will be holding a Suburban Town Hall tomorrow in the third-floor ball pit (the second floor one is closed for cleaning after “the incident”).

Please hand in your pass, your work laptop, and a typed list of every thought you’ve ever had in this building (12pt, singled spaced, Arial only). As it states in your Awesome Content Creator Contract, you’re not allowed to work for any competitor for the next six months. Thankfully, the free pistachios from the snack room should help you keep you going for a while.

For employees who are sticking around, the accounts department (Craig) and I have been exploring other ways to cut costs. As of next week, we’ll be ordering five fewer lunches on Free Taco Tuesday to keep you all on your toes. We’ll also be replacing our receptionist with that Google home thing the tech team got sent last week — remember how much fun we had testing it out at the most recent “Drink Beer On Company Time” event?

I’ll be hosting one of my Chill Fireside Jam Sessions on the beanbags at 5 pm today, so feel free to join me and share any other questions you might have (be sure to send them to Gwen first, for pre-approval).

Lastly, please no crying at your desk; it upsets the office dog, and we don’t want any visiting clients to witness a non-chill vibe.

Yours,
Branden
CEO/Alpha Papa in Chief