For the record, I didn’t sign up for Improv101 to meet a man.

I signed up because I’ve spent the last four years completing a rigorous B.F.A. program and when I played Soupy Sue in Urinetown senior year everyone I said I was hilarious and should be on SNL.

So I signed up for Improv101 as a career move.

Plus, I’m a feminist! I went to the Women’s March. I found the Ghostbusters remake to be tasteful and refreshing. And I get my bikini line waxed because I like how it looks for myself — not because I’m subscribing to patriarchal ideals or porn-star standards.

So.

When I signed up for my six-week Improv 101, I obviously had no intention of meeting the man destined to be my soulmate. I was there for womanly self-love! Not for the love of a straight white man. Yet, as they say, love finds you when you’re not looking for it. And as it turns out, I love him. I LOVE HIM SO HARD.

First off, I know he’s a straight white man. BUT HEAR ME OUT. From my seat in our semi-circle in class, I can see that he is actively rejecting the patriarchy. Truly, he is aware of his privilege and he is fighting it. I know this because his backpack has lots of woke stickers and pins on it, and one time in class he quoted Bernie Sanders (a known feminist).

Also, I can tell by looking at his body that he obviously doesn’t lift weights or subscribe to anything stereotypically masculine like that. He wears hoodies and has fair, milky skin and hair that looks like he’s never brushed it — but only because he’s so busy being funny and sensitive.

He really is SO funny! I religiously go to his Tuesday night shows and laugh like crazy. This one time, he pretended he was a cranky refrigerator! Like, a talking refrigerator? Can you imagine? I’m cracking up just thinking about it.

Maybe you had to be there.

ANYWAYS, the point is he is so skilled at object work and establishing the relationship and finding the “game” that I know he must make a really good living doing improv.

Gah! This is a crazy situation!! Who falls in love with the straight white man teaching them Improv101?!? Honestly I can’t imagine this has ever happened before. It just seems like a strange kink of fate that we were meant to meet this way.

In class, I’m so distracted by my lust that sometimes I don’t think I’m as funny as I was when I played Soupy Sue.

But what can I say? The heart wants what the heart wants.

One time in class, he mentioned Joan Didion and my heart legit started pounding.

I bet he lives in Brooklyn and frequents rallies.

Yes!

And I bet he knows how to cook amaranth.

YES.

And I bet he reads New Yorker from front to back every week.

YES, AND I bet he exclusively jerks off to amateur porn because he wants to see real human beings with real-life bodies.”

YES, AND OH YEAH, AND I bet he’s so acutely aware of the massive privilege that society has afforded him as a straight white male (in comedy, no less) that he must wake up in cold sweats every night, ravaged by guilt, denying himself rest or nourishment.

No wonder he’s so skinny.

How does he get through the day?

Fuck yessssss!

(And) I get turned on just thinking about it.