Bad news, you’re dead. Even worse, Satan has selected the perfect method of torturing you: attending a never-ending livestream of Cindy’s “Snappy and Snazzy” Custom Nail Polish Palooza. You know, the Facebook event you would never have attended back when you were alive and had free will.
Looks like Cindy’s party is starting now. She’s showing an array of nail polish colors, from “Bubblegum Dreams” pink to my personal favorite, “Satan’s Taint” red. You must buy every color. Cindy earns a 4 percent commission. As Hell’s Sales Director, I get 30 percent, and Satan gets the remaining 66 percent. Don’t be confused: this isn’t a multilevel marketing scheme. This is Hell.
Ooh, ouch. Did that electric voltage hurt? Guess I forgot to tell you that if you look away from the screen, or even blink, your body will get zapped. So pay attention, and enjoy the mind-numbing sights of Snappy and Snazzy’s quick-and-easy nail polish wraps in five different prints: cherry, rainbow, cheetah, unicorn, and your internal organs. Buy all five for the low, low price of two-thousand dollars and your soul.
Hear that infernal prattling? Cindy is addressing you and asking if you’d like an opportunity to be your own boss, set your own hours, and exploit your friendships. Seems like she’s ramping up to offer you a position as a Snappy and Snazzy Nails consultant. If you say no, I’ll make your afterlife a socially awkward hellscape. You’ll run into Cindy wherever you go and must apologize to her every time.
Ah, you’ve told Cindy you’d “love to hear more about becoming a consultant.” Great decision. Enjoy Cindy’s sales pitch that will last for decades.
Hell is real and full of all the virtual sales parties you used to avoid. Like Monica’s Buttery-Soft Leggings party. The leggings cost a fortune, and they’ll rip right at the crotch within seconds of putting them on. You also can’t escape Sheila’s party, featuring Total Body Trim protein shakes that help you lose weight by triggering fiery bowel movements.
These parties are only just the beginning of your eternal doom.
Don’t complain unless you wish to end up in Hell’s most terrifying dungeon: the sales pitch elevator. This rickety elevator descends millions of miles into the deepest pits of Hell. It makes frequent stops to visit the most demonic entities the underworld has to offer: former high school classmates who have become sales consultants. They’d love to catch up and recommend a custom list of products that are absolutely perfect for you.
Let’s check back in with Cindy, who has finally finished her sales pitch. Welcome to the Snappy and Snazzy Nails team! Prepare to invite everyone you’ve ever met to attend your virtual Facebook nail polish parties. Convince them that this is a fun way to hang out and reconnect. Just remember: your ultimate goal is to put more money into Satan’s pockets and more souls into Satan’s hands.
Go ahead and start demonically dropping into everyone’s DMs. Share the good news by saying how Snappy and Snazzy Nails has turned your afterlife into an utter delight. If you don’t, I’m at the ready with a pair of rusty pliers, eager to remove and resell your nails for my side hustle: custom-made Press-Off, Press-On Nails Kits.