Listen, son, when I was your age, I thought I knew everything, and it looks like we have that in common. You think you know what this is all about? You think you understand what it means to be married to someone for over forty years?
I’ve been married since 1977, and let me tell you, it’s been a nonstop fuckfest ever since.
You think marriage is all picket fences and tomato gardens? Well, guess what, when you’re in a monogamous relationship, the erotic pressure doesn’t quit. It builds and builds for decades to the point you think it will break you. You glance in the mirror and don’t recognize yourself, the way lust has warped your features.
Look across the table, and you see the woman you love. She, too, has been disfigured by this carnal addiction you share. You make eye contact as her foot brushes your leg.
Looks like another dinner will be eaten cold.
Oh sure, you’re thinking, Doesn’t having kids slow you down? Yeah, right. Stuck at home with each other 24-7, plus you have to sneak around to make love? Your mother is into that kind of thing. I’ve had to hide from that woman. She is insatiable.
That and the stress of parenting… we cracked the vino by five thirty every night.
Ten minutes after your bedtime, we were on each other like vultures. We never learned our lesson.
Up till 4 a.m., promising we wouldn’t do it again tonight, but knowing we’d cave to our passions.
I thought buying a house would help. Get a fixer-upper. Spend all my time with a tool belt working on something outside, away from your mother’s lustful grip.
But when she saw me swinging a hammer on the old house, and I saw her dripping wet at the midsection after getting thrown up on—some of nature’s forces are so great we humans are at their mercy.
Sure, you think. I’m pulling your leg. You probably assume getting older would slow the libido. But since your mother went into menopause, hot flash!
She sweats like a pig and when we’re done, we have to sleep in the guest room where the sheets are dry. But don’t worry. We keep a bed liner on the mattress because that’s where you’re going to sleep at Christmas.
Hey, that’s your mom right now. I hear the garage. I gotta go. I know what’s on her mind, if these pictures she texted are any indication.
Anyway, you boys have a very nice bachelor party. Thanks for putting me on speakerphone so I could say hi to all of your friends and give them a little advice. Marriage is a serious thing. Not for the faint of heart.
Enjoy your last bit of single life. Go for a hike. Watch the sunset. Swim in the lake.
Because, god help you, once you put on that ring, for the rest of your days, you’re gonna be a piece of meat, pal.