Mom, Dad, we just wanted to assure you that your trust-fund son’s transplant was a success.

We weren’t too concerned—transplants to Brooklyn have a 98 percent success rate—but there can always be complications.

A transplant can reject its new host city in the event of a few conditions:

  • Doorman deficiency
  • Pre-existing neighborhood culture
  • Persistent small businesses

Just make sure to monitor his rent levels closely. If all’s well, they should continue to climb indefinitely.

The procedure was minimally invasive, just a small incision in the heart of the neighborhood. We see thousands of cases like this every month, so you really have nothing to worry about. Plus, we made all the necessary preparations to ensure a smooth integration:

  • Extracting all regular grocery stores
  • Infusing children’s parks with singles’ soccer leagues
  • Implanting cursive into deli chalkboards

It is common to find that the transplant might not immediately work, often because he “doesn’t need to.” In this case, you can always induce labor by taking away his allowance.

Rest assured, you got him the best transplant money can buy, and you should expect him to be back to normal in no time.

After one to two days, he’ll be able to eat food he UberEatses from three neighborhoods over. Within three to four weeks, he can start driving up the prices at nearby secondhand stores. In one to two months, he should notice an increased ability to break down local traditions. By month six, you should hear him saying things like “my city” and discussing how the neighborhood has changed.

But you may be wondering: How does a transplant affect his host? Think of it as getting an appendix implant or a wisdom tooth replacement. Is it useful? No. But does it actually do any harm? Yes.

The skin-tag-graft you call your son may insist that “his city needs him,” but transplants redirect vital resources from their hosts:

  • Energy that could be used for economic productivity is wasted explaining public transit to him.
  • Critical systems like warehouses are depleted of workers and inventory to make room for raves.
  • Community centers are sapped and local pools are drained for—you guessed it—more raves.

We’ll follow up in a few weeks to check for localized vibrance and signs of any emerging artists. Both may be signs that the transplant hasn’t yet taken effect. And if we find out those public pools are filled with anything but sweaty white boys, we might need to do another operation entirely.

Individual transplants obviously can’t survive on their own, so one procedure usually leads to successive transplants. Just imagine: a mouth full of wisdom teeth or a body with only appendixes. These secondary transplants are more likely to have pre-existing conditions including moderate-to-severe bigotry or a family history of being on the Mayflower. It’s common for all these new additions to dislocate the backbone of the city, but that doesn’t affect the transplants much. It actually gives them more room to spread out.

Now, you may ask how a system will work if all of its vital parts are replaced with unproductive, self-cannibalizing transplants that take much more than they give.

Oh, it definitely won’t. But you folks don’t have to worry. Your transplant will eventually perform a self-extraction and find some exciting new host to inhabit. Sure, he’ll leave behind scars on the body populace, but at least we have zoning laws to ensure that they never heal.