Hi folks, Trent Reznor here, from the techno-rock supergroup Nine Inch Nails, with an important message for homeowners aged 62 and older.

With the world the way it is these days it’s no wonder so many Americans feel uncertain about the future. Times are tight. And I mean really tight — like cold vise clamps clenching your skull as you struggle to escape the death grip of The Machine. What’s more, ever since the collapse of Social Security back in 2039, the promise of being taken care of in retirement feels like… well, as I might call it, a terrible lie.

But, as we descend into life’s ultimate downward spiral, we still deserve to enjoy the things that really matter, don’t we? Like watching our grandkids graduate high school, or finally going on that cruise, or just kicking back and numbing ourselves to the shredding pain of an existence flayed of all happiness and meaning.

So, what if I told you that there was a great way to secure your retirement? That the “golden years” could be more than just an annihilating march into the black dust of nothingness? That you really could grasp some small putrid morsel of dignity as you silently await the end? Folks, a Home Equity Conversion Mortgage can help you do just that.

With a reverse mortgage, you can cash in on your home equity without ever having to leave your house. You can pay off those overdue medical bills, or even finally put a dent in that graduate school loan debt. Bottom line? Don’t let God money nail YOU up against the wall — turn your equity into tax-free cash today!

And, not only do you get to have the money from your house, but you can also choose between monthly payments or a lump sum option. When it comes to your life situation, the choice is clear — you can have my isolation, you can have the hate that it brings, OR you can have the flexibility to take charge of your retirement starting right now. Plus, for what it’s worth, a reverse mortgage is government-insured. So why not bite the hand that feeds? Why not chew until it bleeds? You’ve earned it!

As a bonus, if you call this number today, not only will you receive this educational brochure and DVD, but we’ll also send you a FREE commemorative coin from Lollapalooza ’91 — the one where I destroyed an entire stage of synths and amplifiers in a fit of blistering fury. God, I was so angry.

So, what do you think? Does all this sound too good to be true? Don’t worry, you can take my word for it, and that of hundreds of thousands of other Americans who have taken advantage of this safe, effective financial tool. When it comes to staying in your own home you should be able to have all the time you want. That is, of course, until time forecloses on its own mortgage and liquidates your soul into the howling darkness of eternal night.

So act now, folks. Live your life without a care, and if there is a hell, I’ll see you there!