Hi there, hi, excuse me, sir? Could I interest you in trying a sample of Dove’s new line of men’s body wash?

I know, I know you’re busy. What do you got there? Cotton pads? Ah, picking those up for your girlfriend. I understand. And looks like you’re buying a new set of razors? You know they make ones with five blades now? You don’t need to settle for three anymore. Five blades is kind of standard now.

No, sir, no no no, I’m not some sort of pharmacy pervert. No, I am an employee of Unilever, parent company of Dove, maker of a new line of male body wash that if you can take even just five minutes, I think you’ll be impressed.

First off, I’m saying body wash, but you and I both know that’s just a code word for gay soap. I’m saying “body wash” because that is what we men have been forced to say by the anti-male agenda out there. But not anymore. After you and I get done today, you’ll be coming to this here pharmacy to pick up what I have displayed in front of me on this fold out demo table: Dove’s new line of Dirt Armageddon Power Guns.

Hold this one right here. Feel the weight of that. Nice right? Every item in the Dove Dirt Armageddon line comes in a metal gun bottle, cut from one piece of iron smelted by a serious f’ing dude in West Virginia named Cody. Cody looks like Vin Diesel and smells like a coal mine. Cody glistens with sweat 24 hours a day and hasn’t taken a shower since 1983. Cody cleans himself in a car wash. Cody has never worn shorts. A serious f’ing dude is what I’m saying, and he is custom-smelting each bottle in the Dove Dirt Armageddon line.

Feels nice, right?

What you are holding there is part one of your new cleaning system. Look, Dove knows that no self-respecting American male needs help cleaning himself. Dove knows that you and me don’t need to buy “products” to help us do anything. I want to eat food, I will kill and roast my neighbor’s dog over a fire I built by doing really fast pushups next to a bush. Dove is not pandering is what I am saying. Sure, I could make my own gun if I wanted to. I could kill the dog from next door if my family needed some mutton to survive. I could do that. I am a man, I can do what is required of me, thank you.

But you know what? A real man also knows when to say, “Hey you! Why don’t you take care of that for me?! I’m busy!” You got a lot on your plate, I can tell just by what you got there in your basket. So all Dove is saying is, let us make your soap for you.

Which is what you are holding right there. Part one Dirt’s Death Watch: the new Dove Dirt Armageddon Bullet Erosion Powder. This is some serious f’ing stuff. Let me show you.

All the weapons in the Dove Dirt Armageddon line are either powders or some form of compressed air. No self-respecting American male should be expected to squeeze gel into the palm of his hand and then rub it over his naked body. You put this on before you get in the shower. You apply this to your skin like you are shaking red pepper flakes on your pizza. Like this, you see? I’ll just cover my hand here. This powder is a patent-pending cleansing agent developed by an Army division in Fallujah. When I mix it with water—which I will do right now—you get 200 times the cleaning power of your more feminine soap.

You see that! That is real smoke! My hand is literally smoking! Jeeeeezzz, that hurts so good!

Whoa! Hold on there! Don’t you put that gun bottle down like that! Hold on! Not only am I not finished with my demonstration, but you put that down wrong and you could very possibly blow up the entire facial cleansing aisle.

Excuse me, what? No, sir, I am not crazy, and it incenses me just a little that you would say that here in the pharmacy. Let me ask you something: Is it crazy to burn your trash? Yes, sir, that is a serious question. Makes a hell of lot more sense to me than bagging it up and having other, real men come by to take it away and deal with it for you. That’s a pussy move. You make trash, you deal with it by setting it ablaze, am I right?

Ok, so that’s exactly what—woo boy, my hand is really, really feeling it now!—that’s exactly what is happening here. I am burning the germs and dirt—which are my responsibility—off my skin and just like straight up dealing with it.

Sometimes, I put this stuff on, jump into the shower and just do like 50 power squats to increase the burn.

Hey! Hold on there sir! That is just step one. You stay here until I am clean, do you hear me sir? I will sprinkle this erosion powder in your eyes you walk away from me right now. I can assure you that this “keep away from eyes” warning on the side here is no joke. No joke at all.

Good. Yeah, slow and steady sir. Now, step two is this here. Pick it up. Sir? Do you want to go blind today sir? Pick it up!

Step two of your cleaning system: the Dove Dirt Armageddon Authority Rag. Look at that, would you?

Yes sir, it’s a slightly dirty rag. That is what it is. That is the whole point here. What do you clean your car with? What do you use to sop up oil when you service your snow blower? That’s right. A RAG. Loofahs and sponges are basically like a rubbing a giant vagina over your body, but not in a good dominant way. It’s like the vagina is dominating you in that scenario.

A rag, though, you just wipe that across your body like so… I’m sorry sir, what? A washcloth? A washCLOTH? Sir, cloth is the sort of thing a woman buys to make curtains or a table covering, okay? This is NOT cloth. This is a Dove Dirt Armageddon Authority Rag and you will know the difference! Could you make curtains out of this, sir! Smell it! Smell it sir! Does that smell like a tablecloth?! No! No! It smells like a 1967 Camaro rebuilt with your buddy home from Vietnam! It smells like Benedict Arnold’s underwear! Like a Slim Jim! This is not a washcloth! This is a…

Hey! Where are you… wait, I hadn’t shown you part three yet, sir! Sir, wait, wait, please! You absolutely need step three if you’re going to be a Dove Dirt Armageddon man. Part three will do wonders for your eyes, I promise… sir!!!!