Dear Customers,
At Whole Foods, we pride ourselves on offering the finest in fresh, finely made foods. We value you, our customers, because you come here and happily pay a slight premium (or a not so slight premium) to buy local vegetables, handmade breads, freshly butchered meats, and organic packaged foods. Today, we introduce a new product whose quality and pedigree are equal to those of our existing lines: Waziristani Cave-Aged Artisan Cheeses, from the frontier between Pakistan and Afghanistan.
I’m sure there are many of you who have never heard of the Waziristani line of cheeses. Let me take this opportunity to introduce them to you. Waziristan is a mountainous region, and a large number of people there live in caves. Now, some of you might think that this must be a backward region of the world, but quite the contrary. Many of the people in Waziristani caves choose to live there even though they have sophisticated training, including work in missile technology and airplanes.
Using milk from the yaks that are indigenous to Waziristan, these cave-dwelling people have traditionally crafted handmade cheeses that age wonderfully in the Pakistani mountains. Recent events, though, have prompted one particular group of Waziristanis to turn its cheeses into a source of income. Whole Foods is more than happy to help, for this reason: because the milk is exposed to the harsh Pakistani climate before aging in the cool caves of Waziristan, the final cheeses are a masterful balance of hardscrabble life and cold, zealous flavor that will simply blow you away.
Most cave-aged cheeses age for 6 to 12 months. Particularly good cave-aged cheeses will sit in their caves for upwards of five years. But Waziristani Cave-Aged Artisan Cheeses have aged much longer, and it is this reason why Whole Foods is so excited to bring them to you. The people of Waziristani Cave-Aged Artisan Cheeses first placed their cheeses in caves in late 2001, which means their cheeses have aged for seven years. This makes them the finest on the market!
I bet you’re wondering why you haven’t heard of these cheeses before if they’re so wonderful. Good question. The year 2001 was not only when the current cheeses were placed in caves to age; it was also the first time the people of Waziristan had ever placed cheese in caves to age for mass distribution. They wanted to bring their cheeses to market sooner, but had a hard time getting on a plane due to overly strict security regulations in international air travel. The result, though, is exquisite seven-year-old cave-aged cheeses.
This is a prime opportunity: a new brand of high-quality artisan cheeses that Whole Foods is providing to you. Be sure to pick some up the next time you’re in our store. As the founder of Waziristani Cave-Aged Artisan Cheeses, Mullah Dadullah, likes to say, “Death to the infidels who don’t like our cheese!”
Respectfully,
The Management