ABBOTT: Since it has historically caused us heartache, I’m going to grab a program with all the players’ names printed in it.

(Abbott leaves)

COSTELLO (to the Grinch, seated next to him): Hey, do you know who is playing today?

GRINCH: Of course I know. They all are. They’re on first, second, the outfield. Everywhere.

COSTELLO: Who is?

GRINCH: Yes. Look at those Whos all dressed in their hats, with their balls and their gloves and their dumb wooden bats.

COSTELLO: Who is dressed in little hats?

GRINCH: I know, I hate it.

COSTELLO: Well, do you know who that is on first?

GRINCH: Sort of. I took his Christmas presents one year.

COSTELLO: You took whose Christmas presents?

GRINCH: Yes, but the Whos got them back.

COSTELLO: Who gave them back?

GRINCH: No, I gave them back. I’m not a Who. I’m the Grinch. I’m my own thing.

COSTELLO: Okay, you’re the Grinch. But you still didn’t tell me who is on first.

GRINCH: Why would I tell you something you already know?

COSTELLO: I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking.

GRINCH: The Who at shortstop is my least favorite of all. He gathers the Whos, the big and the small. They join arms, “Take me out to the ballgame,” they sing. I must stop this tradition. I must stop the whole thing.

COSTELLO: Whoa, did you see who just stole third?

GRINCH: I did.

COSTELLO: Who stole the base?

GRINCH: I know. Perhaps I should’ve stolen the base. If one were missing, they’d have to end this disgrace.

COSTELLO: You didn’t steal it. That person did.

GRINCH: Who?

COSTELLO: That’s what I’m asking.

GRINCH: I know how I can keep them from playing at all. Why I’ll sneak on the field, and I’ll steal the ball. They can’t play the game without that white sphere, there’ll be no more sounds of batted balls and good cheer.

(Abbott returns with a program)

ABBOTT: Hey, I just looked at this program—you’re not going to believe the first baseman’s name. Who have you been talking to?

COSTELLO: No, I’ve been talking to the Grinch. Not a who.

ABBOTT: Does he play too?

COSTELLO: No, he hates the game. Grinch, why do you hate this game so much?

GRINCH: I’d love nothing more than to play in this game; being excluded from it fills me with shame. Each crack of the bat increases my hate; now, excuse me as I steal home plate.

COSTELLO: Have you ever just asked them if you could play?

GRINCH: Oh, they would probably let me play if I asked. But years ago, my heart grew three sizes in a single day, and now I have myocarditis.