An Excerpt From the Lindale High School Graduation Valedictorian Speech by Samuel Clark, Who Ate the Brains of His Fellow Students to Increase His Intelligence

There is a hunger inside all of us. Some of us hunger for love, some for fulfillment, and some, like myself, for knowledge. We must feed that hunger.

We have been on this journey together for four years. Not all of us have made it to this day. There have been transfers and dropouts, and a few others had their brains eaten. Today, all of us here are about to go our separate ways and start our own journeys. We are going to college and to work with dreams of what we might accomplish. We might break NFL records or cure cancer. I hope to become powerful enough to eat God’s brain.

We should all make a difference in this world. We should fight for what we believe in. We should not be mindless zombies. We should be completely different from zombies in all ways but one. Some may call us agitators or troublemakers. They may tell us that we are rocking the boat or committing an unthinkable sin. Let us be defiant. Let us be … What’s that word? Crap …

(Mr. Clark eats the brain of Ellen Fried, the salutatorian.)

Obstreperous.