Come one, come all! Grab your family, friends, and hatred of fabric muzzles, and join us this Saturday for the grand opening of FreeMart—America’s first and only grocery store specially designed for patriots who won’t wear masks and who want the world to know they won’t back down from some glorified flu. Why shop at Costco or Sam’s Club and be hassled by Dr. Fauci’s social-distancing sheep? At FreeMart, you can scream and smash all you want. In fact, your country depends on it!
Your annual FreeMart membership covers almost any act of righteous destruction you can think of. So go ahead and spike a pint of ice cream on the floor. Stomp on a lime. If a box of cereal seems like it wants to tell you when and how to exhale, you dropkick that box of Honeycomb all the way back to China. Tear down that potato chip display. It had it coming. Or maybe it didn’t, but you’re an American, and you’ll be damned if you’re not going on a rampage in the Prepared Foods section.
Sounds pretty great, doesn’t it? Like the America you know and love. Still, you remember what happened last time you went shopping in what you thought was the Land of the Free. Some self-appointed member of the breathing police started recording you on their phone just for deliberately coughing in the face of an old woman with lupus. Before you know it, you’re all over social media. You’re an out-of-control “Karen” or a “Kevin,” and your boss is calling to make absolutely sure you’re the person shrieking, “You will not persecute me!” in the express lane before she fires you.
FreeMart’s different. No masks allowed. No science allowed. No shame allowed. Your spittle’s always good here.
At FreeMart, you never get caught on camera. Oh sure, you’ll still be recorded, but only by fellow lovers of The Constitution of the USA. Your Twitter feed is going to be filled with supportive posts like “Steroid-fueled HERO goes off on coronavirus hoax!” or “Give this threat to himself and others a medal!!!” or “I was shopping today when this woman got in my face about the ‘Wuhan virus,’ and I was so grateful to be in the presence of an unapologetic guardian of liberty, I literally wept.”
You never have to worry about our employees either, thanks to our zero-interference policy. If you’re ever approached by a member of our floor staff, it’s just to say hello, ask if they can assist you, or even swap a vaccination myth or two—if they’re going to scold you for anything, it’s maybe that your hands are looking a little too sanitized!
And when you get to the register, you don’t have to concern yourself with off-putting plexiglass shields (which, as everyone knows, only reflect harmful germs back into your face anyway) or withering looks from our cashiers. That’s because our cashiers are specially screened for living on the knife’s edge of homelessness and are more than happy to put up with anything in this punishing economy. If they want to wipe down a conveyor belt, they can do it at home!
Shopping doesn’t have to be a wholly unnecessary political statement in the midst of a national health crisis—but it sure ought to be. So come on down to FreeMart. Leave your mask at home, bring your outrage, and fill your cart with America.