This test employs the Reid police interrogation technique.
“My confession rate dramatically improved form 75% to almost 100% of the time after I received this training. Thank you and keep up the good work."
— David Meade, Brooklyn Hights PD
State your legal name
a) Miss Scarlet
b) Colonel Mustard
c) Mrs. White
d) Reverend Green
e) Mrs. Peacock
f) Dr. Black
Who is your favorite character from Law & Order?
a) Mike Logan
b) Lenny Briscoe
c) Jack McCoy
d) Anita Van Buren
So you admit that you have an interest in criminality. What were you doing on Saturday?
a) Reading Rainbow Rowell’s Eleanor and Park.
b) Queuing up for cronuts.
c) Documenting my fitness workout on Instagram to inspire others.
d) Creating a flat surface on the side of Professor Plum’s head with a steel pipe.
I suppose you think that’s cute. What is your relationship to Professor Plum?
a) I personally wouldn’t wear a three-piece suit, but he seems okay.
b) He thinks he knows more about green transportation than I do and it upsets me.
c) He’s dead to me since taking top bunk in our mansion share-room.
d) His brandy snaps are to die for.
It seems like a lot of people got top bunks. Would you say you were out for revenge?
a) No?
b) No.
Why don’t you take a look at this white space for a minute while you think about your answer:
Let’s try that again. Were you out for revenge?
a) No.
b) I told you no.
You’re a tough lid to twist, aren’t you. Tell me, how do you make brandy snaps?
a) You buy them from Trader Joes.
b) With brandy?
c) Martha probably knows how.
d) Bake a caramel batter in thin circles on ovenproof paper until it bubbles, then mould around a metal rod while still warm. Serve cool, filled with sweetened ricotta or whipped cream.
So you admit that you deal with rods. You admit that you may have touched the kind of rod that could do serious damage to a man’s skull… a steel rod from the Martha Stewart Kitchen line, say. You don’t have to answer that. Let’s talk about your situation. You know how to navigate, don’t you.
a) I can read a map, yes.
b) With a compass, I can employ basic trigonometry in the wild to orient myself.
c) I haven’t needed to since getting a smartphone.
d) I secretly believe that I have magnetoception.
But we all lose our way sometimes, don’t we.
a) I don’t… uh, maybe?
Hey, we’re not out to get you. You’re a good person. The kind of person that doesn’t deserve to be shunted into a top bunk.
a) I just don’t like climbing ladders in socks.
I’m on your side. When someone decides to assign the bottom bunk to themselves, they’re risking your life. Bunk beds break. Man is fallible. There are splinters. The ceiling is low.
a) Uh, I guess?
Tell me about that Saturday. What did you do?
a) Took on the Insanity fitness challenge.
b) Took on a baguette.
c) Lengthened and strengthened.
d) Took the pain train to Plum Station.
That’s not what you said before. Stop scrolling, I can smell the guilt. What did you do on Saturday?
a) Ate some brandy snaps?
Good. Who were you with?
a) Professor Plum.
I see. How do you make a brandy snap?
a) Bake a caramel batter in thin circles on ovenproof paper until it bubbles, then mould around a metal rod while still warm. Serve cool, filled with sweetened ricotta or whipped cream.
Wow, you really know a lot about brandy snaps. You and Professor Plum must have spent some time in the kitchen.
a) He was making the brandy snaps.
And what happened during that time?
a) He was hit with a metal rod.
Where?
a) In the kitchen.
You hit him, didn’t you. Why did you do it?
a) Because he took the bottom bunk, and I don’t like sock and ladders.
What does Martha Stewart have to do with all this?
a) Her branding is impeccable.
What else?
a) I need to poop on a North-South magnetic axis.
Did you kill Professor Plum?
a) No.
Did you kill Professor Plum?
a) No.
DID YOU KILL PROFESSOR PLUM?
a) NO.
Did you tickle Professor Plum?
a) Na— no.
I have your words right here, that say you were in the kitchen with Professor Plum, angry about sleeping in a loft of rising, lowly, bottom-bunk air, with a weapon in hand. You have admitted hitting the professor with that cooking implement. Are you guilty of killing Professor Plum in the kitchen?
a) Yes.
b) Yes.
c) Yes.
d) Yes.
Is there anything else you’d like to confess?
a) I thought it was Kim Kashardian for the longest time.