Saw my interview on CNN, did you? The one in which I said a functioning state is an impediment to the Great Tribulation that precedes the Rapture? You’re probably wondering why every Republican administration is like turning over a rock and finding a bunch of weird bugs hanging out right underneath the foundations of our government.
Allow me, a proud Weird Bug and member of the House Ways and Means Committee, to explain.
This is who I’ve always been. I made the local news in 1993 for accusing my neighbors of performing animal sacrifice in their basement. Then I ran for office and had to clean it up a bit.
At least, I assumed I had to. The thing is, I didn’t know shit when I was first elected. For example, I had no idea you could just say you wanted children to starve. I thought you had to talk about government waste and the national debt and hope your constituents understood that “waste” meant “anything that might accidentally help an immigrant” and the debt was the excuse for getting rid of those things.
Imagine my delight when I set foot in the halls of power and learned many of my fellow lawmakers are some combination of megachurch pastor, Eric Adams, and a restaurant smoking section. These are people who won’t judge me for my wealth or caliper collection. We’ve kept each other sane these long years in which we’ve had to hide our proclivities from a nation not ready to accept that the Civil Rights Act was a mistake.
And to be perfectly honest, we weren’t trying that hard to hide. I started writing sixth-grade level blog posts about Barack Obama’s birth certificate in 2007; are you surprised I support ending birthright citizenship? My formative experiences were a childhood encounter with UFOs in a cornfield and being born again at age thirty-six. I’ve been an absolute freak for longer than you’ve been alive.
So I welcome this moment. Executive orders written by AI and rescinded multiple times because no one can understand what the fuck they mean are the result of a government that finally reflects the core values and competencies I’ve held close to my heart all these years. That is to say, I understand nothing and have never bothered to learn. These are my people.
Get ready to hear more from the teeming hordes of state- and local-level officials looking to grab their fifteen minutes with the stiff fingers of a Sieg Heil. School board meetings are about to get even spicier. We’re this close to being able to say the R-slur on camera now. Personally, there are a few other letters I’d love to bring back. We’ll get there soon. The Overton Window finally looks out on the battlefield of the End Times.
It’s freeing, isn’t it? We can finally say what we mean. Well, I can. “Freeing” for you is more like the sweet release of death, which we’ll be happy to help you achieve.
God bless America!