Wassup, fellow slackers, poseurs, losers, stoners, and the dorks smart enough to make loot before the dot-com crash.

I said yo, wassup! Not clapping? Good. Thought so.

I get that it’s totally wack, but this year, I’m running for president of the USA, because I want to represent you, the voiceless and forgotten, my fellow Gen Xers.

That’s right, my entire platform revolves around Gen X values, like fixing everything that sucks about this country—which is a lot. Our time is now. The boomers had their chance and blew it. Do we expect millennials to fix anything? Not when they’re busy crying in the office bathroom they won’t. And Gen Z? Sure. Get lost and TikTok a new aesthetic or whatever.

With my Gen X cabinet full of bitchin’ advisors, we’re gonna do what we do best: point out society’s flaws, work hard to work less, fire up the glorified blog, a.k.a. Substack, roll up our sleeves for another tattoo, and tell our grown-ass children to make their own goddamned mac and cheese.

Look, I am Gen X to the core. My parents divorced the day I was born. I lived in malls, surviving off Orange Julius samples and Chia Pet grass. Right after the Challenger explosion, I smoked my first cigarette. I was such a latchkey kid that I opened doors for other latchkey children. We raised ourselves without a cell phone or parent in sight, and turned out just fine, in no need of therapy today. I started a band before bands existed—we could have signed to Elektra but didn’t want to sell out. In college, I translated the Cocteau Twins into English. At work, I stuck it to the Man by showing up and complaining. To this day, I never take off my chain wallet, not even in the shower.

On the campaign trail, I did something I don’t typically do: I listened. I toured important Gen X enclaves, such as Austin, Bennington, Palm Springs, Montclair, and both Portlands. I took your shit talk into account, and present this plan:

  • Reclaim X.com for us. Just because Elon is an Xer doesn’t mean our culture is his costume. X will go back to what it was: Imgur links, confusion about how the site works, and posts about what we’re eating.
  • Put a stop to new slang, for we invented slang, and ours was hardcore, while words like rizz, sus, and no cap need to chill out.
  • Build a healthcare system focused specifically on Gen X pain points, like the lower back area, special carpal tunnel treatment centers, and, at long last, a cure for that eeeeeeeeeee we hear 24-7.
  • Engender world peace by using the powerful motto we coined, “Silence the Violence.”

Never forget, Gen X, we are the party of Kennedy. MTV’s Kennedy. Who I’m proud to announce as my VP. Kennedy’s first task: reclaim the word “rock star” from the hands of the corporation. Kennedy will also serve as cultural ambassador. We will play more post-punk in public spaces like airports and drugstores. We will pioneer a bold new way to microdose cocaine. Last but not least, we will order Max and other streaming services to broadcast softcore porn late at night once again!

The challenges are many. But if we want to truly slack into retirement, we need to fix the system, even though we hate the system. Like you, I will be lazy and full of self-loathing. But I will be your voice, raspy since my parliament will smoke Parliaments. It’s time we rise. Even the eldest millennial had it so much easier than any single one of us. Together, we are badass.

Thank you, and may our Goddess Winona Ryder bless the US of Fuckin’ A.