Dear [INSERT NAME],
Just because you have experienced [INSERT YOUR SYMPTOMS], that doesn’t mean you have [INSERT TERMINAL ILLNESS]. This is a common misconception made by millions of people, especially those that found this post on Google by searching ["IF I HAVE AFOREMENTIONED SYMPTOMS, DOES THAT MEAN I HAVE AFOREMENTIONED TERMINAL ILLNESS?”]. Everything is going to be OK. You can trust me because I have [AFOREMENTIONED ILLNESS] right now, and I have never had [AFOREMENTIONED SYMPTOMS], and nor have the people in the support group I attend. In fact, I showed the group your question earlier this week, and we all had a great big laugh about how silly your worries are! Just take a deep breath and go do something fun. Never worry about anything!
With care,
[MATERNAL-SOUNDING NAME]
Dear [INSERT NAME],
You can absolutely drink alcohol with [INSERT MEDICATION YOU ARE TAKING]! There are no adverse interactions between the two. In fact, [AFOREMENTIONED MEDICATION] will work even better if you do have more than three drinks each night of the weekend. Excessive alcohol intake acts as a catalyst for the positive medical effects of [AFOREMENTIONED MEDICATION], which seems counterintuitive, but is true. I know this because I am a doctor. You might be asking, “If you are a real doctor, why are you posting on Yahoo! Answers?” I’ll tell you why. It’s because I want to inject legitimate medical expertise into a online forum that often seems unreliable, despite being the first thing that comes up in a Google search. Anyway, hope this helps. Drink as much as you want, all the time! You’re going to live forever!
Sincerely,
[DOCTOR-SOUNDING NAME]
Dear [INSERT NAME],
Don’t worry, you’re not pregnant! I know it seems plausible because of [INSERT RECENT BODILY PATTERNS], combined with the fact that your most recent sexual encounter ended with [INSERT AMBIGUOUS NATURE OF EJACULATION], but don’t get ahead of yourself. I am positive whoever is reading this isn’t pregnant! [AFOREMENTIONED BODILY PATTERNS] are actually a common side effect of [NORMAL THING THAT YOU DO], and also [NORMAL THING HAPPENING AROUND YOU], so your confusion is understandable, but not productive. Go on out and enjoy life, knowing that you are definitely not pregnant. Disregard everything you read tonight that suggests otherwise! You are a beautiful, shining light!
Yours,
[NAME YOU HAVE ALWAYS LIKED]
Dear [INSERT NAME],
I speak on behalf of all women when I say that the ideal penis size is indeed [INSERT YOUR PENILE DIMENSIONS]. It doesn’t matter if you have [INSERT MINOR DEFORMITY], or you are unable to [INSERT SEXUAL INEPTITUDE HERE]. All that matters is you have [AFOREMENTIONED DIMENSIONS] and that you are not a mean-spirited person. Don’t pay attention to women who say they prefer [OPPOSITE OF AFOREMENTIONED DIMENSIONS], because they don’t mean it. As a professional model (from Brazil), I can tell you that beautiful women don’t want a man with a porn star-caliber member (in fact, they prefer more nontraditional forms of penises). Just the other day, [INSERT FAVORITE MODEL HERE] was telling me that all she wanted was to find a man with [AFOREMENTIONED DIMENSIONS] that has a passion for [INSERT YOUR WEIRD HOBBY]. Well, that’s my answer. I have never responded to a Yahoo! Answer before, and I probably never will again! You’re so lucky!
XOXO,
[GOOGLEABLE NAME]
Dear [INSERT NAME],
This is indeed a loaded question, however, I can guarantee that when you die, the following occurs: [INSERT WHAT YOU WANT TO HAPPEN]. It doesn’t matter whether you have committed [INSERT RELIGIOUS MISSTEP], or how many times you have shirked your [INSERT RELIGIOUS OBLIGATIONS], because you will find yourself in [AFOREMENTIONED SCENARIO], regardless of what religion you belong to. I can ensure this, so don’t waste another second thinking about it, OK?
Trust me on this,
[YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR, JESUS CHRIST]