How does Santa get around the whole world in one night?
He is magic. He is a magic person so he can do anything he wishes to do. Using magic.
How do Santa’s elves make enough toys for four billion kids?
The elves are magic.
How come no planes see Santa on Christmas Eve?
Because he is magic.
But what if someone does see him?
In the event that anyone does see him, he can erase their memories, given the magic we have been talking about.
How do the reindeer fly? They don’t have wings.
They are magic reindeer.
Don’t they get tired?
No.
Is Rudolph real?
Sure.
Does his nose get really hot?
Oh yeah. Absolutely it does.
Does that cause Rudolph pain?
Not more than he can handle. It’s a manageable amount of pain.
How do Rudolph and Santa stay awake all night?
I’m thinking pure adrenaline?
If Santa eats all the cookies the kids leave out for him, won’t he get fat?
He’s already fat.
How does he fit down the chimneys?
He is magic.
How do the toys fit down the chimneys?
He makes them fit using magic. And sometimes he opens the back door to the house and gets the larger toys inside that way.
Why do elves make the same toys that are in the stores?
It’s a cooperative licensing thing. Complicated.
Why do some of my toys from Santa have price tags on them?
When did that happen?
Last year.
I think you’re mistaken.
It did.
Won’t happen again. Next question.
Do Santa’s elves have children?
Sure.
If an elf-child wants to do grow up and do something other than make toys, can they?
Come again?
Otherwise it would seem to be a restrictive society with predetermined fates for a permanent elf underclass.
You know what? The elves actually want to make toys. They really love it and take every chance they get to thank Santa for the opportunity. And they have elf unions, which ensure the right to collective bargaining.
What’s that?
It’s a kind of magic.
Do the reindeer get to rest after Christmas?
Tons. And they have a trainer, so they’re all set. They’re very limber, so their muscles bounce back quick.
What about Rudolph?
Oh, he rests the most! He’s got a personal trainer. And there’s the magic part.
What’s his name?
Whose name?
Rudolph’s personal trainer?
Oh. It’s Bruce.
Bruce?
Yeah. Great guy. Very limber.
Does Bruce get to rest after helping Rudolph?
Of course! But he doesn’t rest that much. He likes to stay busy.
Does Santa whip Rudoph?
What?
I saw a cartoon where he had a whip.
Oh, that cartoon was debunked. And the people who made it went to jail.
They did?
No. Sorry. They didn’t go to jail. They were punched in the kidney.
Really? Why?
You know, I got that wrong. They were gently admonished. In an email.
By who?
Have you heard of PETA?
Was he mad?
Who?
Santa. At the cartoon makers.
Well, more like disappointed.
How do the reindeer fly so fast without him whipping them?
They’re self-motivated. They believe in the work they do.
How do the reindeer land on our roof? It’s slanted.
They have a system.
What kind of system?
Oh man, all kinds of complicated weight distribution. And don’t forget magic.
What happens to Santa if there’s lightning?
While he’s flying?
Yeah.
Magic forcefield.
Sleet?
Easy. Magic umbrella.
Blizzard?
Not a problem. Magic forcefield again.
Hurricane?
Magic.
Nor’easter?
Magic.
Tornado?
Generally Santa goes around tornadoes.
Appalachian runner?
Magic.
Pineapple Express?
No match for magic.
Great Lakes Cutter?
Magic.
Alberta Clipper?
Magic.
Bomb cyclone?
Magic.
How do you know so much about Santa?
I, too, am magic.