“Like most culinary innovations, we expect resistance to the novelty of having one’s fried chicken injected directly into the bloodstream from the side of a truck parked at the curb, rather than the laborious method of breaking down food through traditional digestion. Someday our customers will look back on all this chewing and realize what a waste it was.” — Clucky’s Chief Executive Officer
“As a mother of six, the littlest ones don’t always get their share when I dump the chicken on the table. With Chickinjections, I can be sure they all get the proper caloric injection without any fighting.” — Janice, Schenectady
“We don’t need to put it on the menu because it’s implied. Food chains that spell it out for customers obviously are guilty over the quality of their products. We at Clucky’s have nothing to hide. Just pure, white breast meat. That has undergone a series of centrifuging, filtering, siphoning, flavoring and preserving before it hits your neighborhood truck. Just pure, white breast meat.” — Clucky’s Legal Counsel
“In the olden days, we’d place our order and then sometimes stand around two, three minutes waiting for our food. Then, of course, we’d have to fight our way through bone and gristle to get at the chicken. Now, we just wait by the curb for the Clucky’s truck jingle and a robotic needle injects an entire two- or three- or twelve-piece meal intravenously.” — Ray, Champlain
“We’ve heard the reports of girls’ pigtails growing a foot per minute, or people sprouting tails, or the hallucinations—none of which have been directly linked to Clucky’s Fried Chickinjections. We’ve found most little girls love the longer ponytails. And our research team has discovered that any side effect can be neutralized by a Flounder Chickinjection administered directly into the face.” — Clucky’s Corporate Relations
“Absolutely, unambiguously false. Check our menu. Nowhere does it say that Clucky’s Fried Chickinjections serves only chicken. The Flounder Chickinjection is pure, fresh, Atlantic cod. Bleached with starch, dextrose, partially hydrogenated soybean, mono-, di- and tri-glycerides, phosphates, fried chicken parts, fried chicken flavoring, and filtered down to a colorless, odorless, slightly opaque oil. Just pure, fresh, Atlantic cod.” — Clucky’s Legal Counsel
“My Billy likes kids’ meals, but they always come with those cheap plastic toys that end up eaten by the dog, or clogging the toilet. With Chickinjections, Billy hallucinates the emotions of having a real toy at the end of the meal. Then he usually takes a nap.” — Tera, Baltimore
“We do not recommend Chickinjections to motorists, bicyclists, even wheelchair users wandering past one of our trucks. Just like any outpatient surgery, customers should not operate a vehicle six to eight hours after a Chickinjection and should telephone the Chickinjection Hotline if they experience anatomical deviations. After a Buffalo Wing Chickinjection, customers may experience a prolonged (48 hours) erection. Two to six Flounder Chickinjections administered directly into the face should restore flaccidity within a day or so.” — Clucky’s Quality Control
“Where the fuck did this tail come from then? ‘Keep injecting it with fish,’ they tell me whenever I call the help line. But here’s the kicker—doctors say it will never stop growing. It feels like this colossal hemorrhoid. None of my pants fit.” — Dave, Denver
“Lamb Gyro Chickinjections have the warning on the side of the syringe. Denver was a test market. That’s why the gyro is only 29 cents in the Denver area through July. And that nonsense about tails growing forever—we have it on good terms from a few biologists that like all tailed species, this alleged appendage will stop growing. Eventually.” — Clucky’s Legal Counsel
“Clucky’s Fried Chickinjections Food Trucks, or statements issued by the Chickinjection Hotline, have not been approved by the FDA, nor will they be. As common sense dictates, callers are encouraged to seek a professional, medical opinion before bayoneting themselves in the face with a Flounder Chickinjection.” — FDA warning on the side of all Chickinjection syringes
“I used to work at a suicide hotline, so the Chickinjection Hotline is barely different. Except instead of depression, callers complain about tails. And instead of talking them out of injuring themselves, we encourage callers to stab themselves. In the face. With fish. The suicide job paid better.” — Chickinjection Hotline Representative