TIME: 1:37 PM
Dear 17-year-old-looking Coffee Bean barista named Jim,
Thank you for your noticing my Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien sweatshirt and, without any sense of hesitation, inquiring into my severance package with NBC just as I began to place my drink order. Seeing as you and I go back a whole 16-seconds, I feel you (more than anyone) have a right to know if I made “eleventy-billion dollars” from this whole Late-Night fiasco. To be completely honest, that’s a bit of a misconception spread about by the press. We’re not really rich, Jim. In some ways, I feel partially responsible for perpetuating this myth. I may have confused you a few moments ago when I walked into this Coffee Bean establishment and ordered 56 free samples of the same type of coffee. 56 orders of coffee is pretty “high roller.” But between you, me and the sheets, Jim, I was just planning on sneaking into your store’s bathroom to combine those free samples into a medium-sized Coffee Bean cup I stole when you weren’t looking. Speaking of which, can I get the bathroom key, Jim?
Sincerely,
Laid-Off Tonight Show Staffer
TIME: 1:40PM
Dear woman standing behind me who overheard snippets of my conversation with Jim and thought that I worked with “that nice man Jay Leno” on the Tonight Show,
You sicken me.
Sincerely,
Laid-Off Tonight Show Staffer
TIME: 1:41 PM
Dear man sitting at a nearby table who thought that now was the time to defend both Jay Leno and the woman standing behind me in line,
You actually find “Jay Walking” and “Headlines” funny? Well, stay tuned for this headline, guy: you’re an idiot and you don’t know what are you “falking” about. I mean, seriously, what’s “falking”? Do newspapers even bother proof-reading any more?
Sincerely,
Laid-Off Tonight Show Staffer
TIME: 1:43 PM
Dear 17-year-old-looking Coffee Bean barista named Jim, Come on, Jim, put the phone down. Don’t call the cops. I thought we were cool? It’s just been a bit of a month. I learned that I lost my job through TMZ. It’s been a bit surreal, but I’ll cool out. I promise. Are my free coffee samples coming soon?
Sincerely,
Laid-Off Tonight Show Staffer
P.S. Also, this might not be the most “ideal” time to ask, but are you guys hiring? Benefits?
TIME: 1:46 PM
Dear police officer called to investigate a “disturbance” at the local Coffee Bean,
Apparently your definition of disturbance and my definition of disturbance are very, very different. I am a paying Coffee Bean patron. (Shut it, barista Jim. Don’t tell them that I am not technically paying for anything, or that you’ve “asked me to leave the premises” numerous times. I thought you were on my side?) Now if you would stand aside, officer, I will just grab my job application and tray of free coffee samples and be on my way. No, I don’t have any needles on me that you should be aware of, but if you press your luck you might get “stuck” by my razor sharp wit. How is that considered a threat? No, I won’t put my hands behind my head OR get on the ground! Keep your goddamn hands off me!
Sincerely,
Laid-Off Tonight Show Staffer
TIME: 3:45 PM
Dear 17-year-old-looking Coffee Bean barista named Jim,
Would you mind bringing another job application down to the local county jail when you get off work? I think the one you gave me a few hours ago fell out of my pocket when I kicked that police officer in the face and tried to grab his gun. Can’t remember, though. I blacked out shortly after the second taser. Never dare an officer to use his taser, Jim. He will use it.
Sincerely,
Laid-Off Tonight Show Staffer
P.S. Also, would you grab some additional comment cards as well? This is my last one and I’d like to keep in touch with you seeing as we’re good enough friends for you to ask about my personal financial situation.