“On the COUNT OF 3, I wanna see EVERYONE who loves disobeying orders NOT JUMP! 1, 2, 3… DON’T JUMP! YEAH, DON’T CONFORM!!”
“I want every FIST-BUMPER HERE who’s desperately grasping for MEANING in a UNIVERSE WITH NO MEANING to gimme a ‘HELLLLLL YEAH’!!”
“Who’s ready to violate the IMMUTABLE LAWS OF TIME’S ARROW and party LIKE IT’S NINETEEN NINETY-NINE??? WOOOOH! That was the year I LEFT MY HOMETOWN in Mauckport, Indiana TO PURSUE DJ-ING and, ever since, I’ve been drifting from ONE RAVE TO THE NEXT, surrounded by ravers BUT ALWAYS ALONE! Let’s DO SOME SHOTS, LAS VEGAS!!!”
“Everybody in the front scream, ‘BOOM!!’ Everybody in the middle scream, ‘YOOOO!!!!’ Everybody in the back scream YOUR FAVORITE KIERKEGAARD QUOTE!! See how STUPIDITY ALWAYS DROWNS OUT DEPTH and NUANCE!?”
“Let me see SOME HANDS IN THE MOTHERFUCKIN AIR, BUENOS AIRES! I see those hands, BABY! BUT HOW DO I KNOW I’M NOT HALLUCINATING! PROVE YOU EXIST, Buenos Aires!! Everything you believe IS PRONE TO DOUBT!! Including your CHOICE TO SPEND YOUR LIFE BALLIN’ AT FESTIVALS!! YEAH!!”
“Are you FREAKS gonna get CRAZY WITH ME TONIGHT according to the DEFINITIONS OF VARIOUS MENTAL ILLNESSES in the DIAGNOSTIC AND STATISTICAL MANUAL OF MENTAL DISORDERS (DSM–5), edited by DR. ROBERT SPITZER!? My SKYPE THERAPIST DAVE swears by it. HOW CHILL IS THAT, DENVER!?”
“Who wants to GET DRUNK?? And who wants to WANT to GET DRUNK?? And who wants to read the CLASSIC TEXTS FROM PLATO TO FREUD to help us confront THE VERY NATURE OF WANTING?? YEAH! Let’s KILL THE ID so that the SUPER-EGO CAN LIVE!!! Who wants to become a PHILOSOPHER KING, ST. LOUIS???”
“What’s up, Atlanta?! What’s DOWN, Atlanta?! What’s ‘WEST,’ Atlanta?! LEIBNIZIAN SPACE IS LOGICALLY DEPENDENT ON ITS OCCUPANTS, Atlanta!!!”
“Who loves SICK BEATS!? Who HATES sick beats!? Who thinks WE AS A SOCIETY are being forced into an OVERSIMPLIFIED NARRATIVE of US VERSUS THEM that is slowly HIJACKING our ANCIENT APE BRAINS and PREVENTING humanity’s evolution to HIGHER STATES OF MORAL DEVELOPMENT!?”
“JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! SHOUT OUT ALL THE PRIME FACTORS TO THE FOLLOWING NUMBERS: TWENTY-SIX! THREE HUNDRED AND SEVEN! INFINITY! FOURTEEN! A BILLION! TWO! NUMBERS ARE GOD’S VOCABULARY! IF WE FACTOR ENOUGH NUMBERS, OUR LIVES WILL FINALLY MAKE SENSE! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!”
Tonight WE’RE GONNA PARTY, LOS ANGELES! But in ANOTHER POSSIBLE WORLD, WE NEVER MET! We COULD HAVE BEEN MONKS who were BORN IN THE 14TH CENTURY AND NEVER HAD UNLIMITED MOLLY AND SEX PARTIES AND NEVER WOKE UP EVERY DAY IN A NEW LA QUINTA ASKING ‘WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING!? WHY DOES THIS MATTER!?’ That shit is POSSIBLE, LOS ANGELES!!
“Now who wants to start a FLASH MOB, LOLLAPALOOZA?!?! Even more importantly, how do we start a FLASH MOB, LOLLAPALOOZA?!?! See, if we START A FLASH MOB with just one INDIVIDUAL… is that a FLASH MOB? OF COURSE IT ISN’T! But at what point does a group of INDIVIDUALS become a flash MOB, Lollapalooza??? See, if we take the variable ‘N’ to be the NUMBER OF INDIVIDUALS MOSHING, and (in this scenario) ‘N’ IS NOT AN ACTUAL ‘MOB’… then logically, the number ‘N+1’ will ALSO NOT BE A FLASH MOB. But, eventually, ‘N+1’ MUST BECOME A MOB AT SOME POINT, RIGHT? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE, LOLLAPALOOZA?”
“Now who’s ready to hear a DANK TRAP REMIX of the AUDIOBOOK OF ALBERT CAMUS’ EXISTENTIAL MASTERPIECE, THE STRANGER???”
You guys ready to HAVE FUN TONIGHT, IBIZA!? YEAH!? You think it’s ALREADY TRUE WE’LL HAVE FUN!? You think it’s PREDETERMINED WE’LL HAVE SOME FUN!? (Assuming PROPOSITIONS can’t CHANGE TRUTH VALUES.) So WE HAVE NO FREE WILL!? We just HAVE TO PARTY AND PARTY AND PARTY NO MATTER WHAT even if we BECOME SUPER SAD AND NUMB TO IT ALL!? NOW THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN ABOUT, IBIZA!!
DO WE HAVE ANY HOUSES IN THE HOUSE TONIGHT??? HELL YEAH! I WANT A HOUSE! I WANT A HOME! I WANT A SON! I WANT TO PLAY CATCH WITH MY SON, CHICAGOOOO!!!