“Trump’s blue suit at Pope’s funeral draws attention… President Trump’s choice stood out in a sea of world leaders and famous faces who were dressed in customary black.” — New York Times, 4/26/25
1. Shows up at a solemn global event in a blinding shade of blue, disrupting everything like an unwanted pop-up ad in human form.
2. Demands instant gratification.
3. Was propped up by their father and remains disturbingly reliant on him, especially when facing imminent, though basic and predictable, consequences.
4. Requires a tiny, exhausted task force to minimize the consequences of their own self-inflicted disasters, while pretending they themselves are “winning.”
5. Has a truly troubling inability to follow simple, life-saving directions, e.g., chewing gum or inciting insurrections.
6. Involved in the exploitation of marginalized workers.
7. Insists they should be rewarded for relatively simple tasks like chewing gum or identifying an elephant.
8. Subject to the whims of and deeply beholden to a factory owner whose business empire is very much not thriving, but pretends otherwise for the cameras.
9. Prompted observers to wonder aloud if they would, in fact, pop, and whether it might improve the overall vibe.
10. Won a major prize despite doing the absolute bare minimum, then loudly demanded even more prizes.
11. Firmly believes they look good in blue, regardless of overwhelming photographic evidence to the contrary.
12. Relishes publicly calling others “loser,” preferably on camera, in interviews, or in deeply inappropriate moments like funerals or factory tours.
13. Views life exclusively as a battle between winners and losers, and genuinely does not understand concepts like “friendship,” “grace,” or "letting someone else talk for two seconds.”
14. Actively sucks up to the nearest authority figure, even when it makes that authority figure visibly uncomfortable and question all their life choices.
15. Suffers a grotesque public setback, but immediately reframes it as a historic triumph.
16. Requires a great deal of attention.
17. Stubbornly remained blue long after it was clear no one else thought it was a good look.
18. Was accompanied by a visibly mortified woman, quietly calculating how many golden tickets it would take to disappear forever.
ANSWER KEY:
Both: 1-18