Filing Status

Check one:

Single
Married filing jointly
It’s complicated

Income

Line 1. Wages, salaries, and tips. This should be shown in box 1 of your Form(s) W-2. If it is not, you might not technically be employed. Attach your Form(s) W-2.

Line 2. Taxable interest. If the total is over $1,500, you cannot use Form 1040EZ. It is not our job to tell you which form you should use instead. It is your responsibility, resourceful citizen, to determine this on your own.

Line 3. Unemployment compensation and Alaska Permanent Fund dividends (see page 11 of booklet)

Booklet, page 11: Unemployment compensation and Alaska Permanent Fund dividends (see line 3 of Form 1040EZ)

Line 4. Add lines 1, 2, and 3. Divide by π. Add 17. Multiply by Avogadro’s number and subtract your resting heart rate. This is your adjusted gross income.

Line 5. If someone can claim you (or your spouse if a joint return) as a dependent and you’re earning enough income to pay taxes, you’re probably old enough to move out of that person’s basement by now. If no one can claim you (or your spouse if a joint return), enter $8,950 if single or $17,900 if married filing jointly.

Line 6. Subtract line 5 from line 4. If line 5 is larger than line 4 but less than line 2 and greater than line 1, what time will Train A overtake Train B? This is your taxable income.

Payments and Tax

Line 7. Federal income tax withheld from box 2 of your Form(s) W-2. Enter on line 7. Weep softly to self.

Line 8. Earned income credit (EIC) (see page 12 of booklet)

Booklet, page 12: You’re not eligible.

Line 9. Recovery rebate credit (see worksheet on pages 17 and 18 of booklet)

Booklet, pages 17–18: Please complete this 25-step worksheet to confirm that you’re not eligible.

Line 10. Tax for Propping Up Next Failing Industry. Enter $1,200 if single or $1,800 if joint return.

Line 11. War on Terror Tax (see page 911 of booklet)

Line 12. Golden Parachute Tax (see page 700 billion of booklet)

Line 13. Add lines 8 through 12. These are your total payments.

Line 14. Arbitrary Tax Tax. Enter $134.26 if single or $0.74 if joint return.

Line 15. Add lines 13 and 14. These are your actual total payments. Disregard line 13.

Line 16. For no reason in particular, enter line 15 again.

Line 17. Use the amount on line 6 above to find your tax in the tax table on pages 28–36 of the booklet. If amount is more than $12,550, you cannot use Form 1040EZ. Please use form 1040WTF!!?? Enter the tax from the table on this line.

Refund

Line 18. If line 15 is larger than line 17, subtract line 17 from line 15. This is your refund. In light of the federal government’s unforeseen cash-flow limitations, if you are filing your return after January 31, 2009, your refund may be sent to you either in the form of an IOU issued by the Department of the Treasury or in the form of a gift certificate to Red Lobster.

Amount You Owe

Line 19. If line 17 is larger than line 15, subtract line 15 from line 17. This is the amount you owe. Enclose but do not attach payment in the form of a personal check with your address and social security number (SSN) on it made out to the “United States Treasury.” Please note that the United States Treasury does not accept Red Lobster gift certificates as a form of legal tender.