Subject:
Out of Office (Auto-Response)

Thank you for your email. I am out of the office with limited internet. Please expect a delayed response or the deafening silence of our indifferent universe.

Subject:
Out of Office, Or Am I Really (Auto-Response)

Again, thank you for your email. I updated my auto-response to better reflect my existential dread. Thing is, I’m actually in the office, but just not my body, which has gained considerable weight from all those coco-pecan donuts that Randy always brings in.

Subject:
Out of Office, Even Though The Office
is a Subjective Construct But Still
a Good TV Show (Auto-Response)

I’m now really out of the office, so I won’t be able to reply to Linda’s email about touching base with Marketing until I locate my Self, a metaphysical veneer that was due for a promotion nine times. But if I circle back all the way to non-existence, then I believe it’s actually wedged between my insignificant life and obligatory happy birthday sing-alongs.

Subject:
Out of Office, Stuck In the Void (Auto-Response)

After contemplating my existence while watching my microwave resurrect a Hot Pocket, I realized that I need to, once again, update my auto-response (eye-roll, I know!). So here’s the thing: I got stuck in the void (soooo me, right?). Well Randy, I guess you’re just going to have to wait until I escape from my existential terror for that slide deck!

Subject:
Out of Office, Quick Status Update
On How I’m Slowly Dying (Auto-Response)

I’m still out of the office, but I want to give a quick status update: when I stared into the mirror this morning, I couldn’t help but notice my empty eyes and donut-crusted face. But suddenly, it dawned on me that while I’m indeed out of the office, I’m actually closer to it than I was ever before. That made no sense, but neither does Stranger Things.

Subject:
Out of Office, Trying to Find Solace
at a Discount (Auto-Response)

I apologize for changing my auto-response again, but I just found a fantastic Groupon for a guided bike tour of my vanished hopes and dreams. I guess that’s where I’ll be! I probably won’t have Internet.

Subject:
Out of Office, Biking Through
a Swirling Vortex of Emptiness (Auto-Response)

That bike tour sure was depressing! I didn’t realize it was tandem bike because nothing exists in our subjective reality and also because I didn’t read the Groupon carefully. So instead I went to Costco to restock on Hot Pockets. Linda, that tandem bike was meant for us. I can’t believe you married Randy.

Subject:
Out of Office, Never Coming Back
Until Next Tuesday (Auto-Response)

I’m not sure what happened, but I somehow transformed into a faceless particle, floating down a river that eventually merges with the vast ocean of my life regrets. More specifically, I’m floating on top of a swimming pool at a Super 8 Motel. Who you once knew as Jerry no longer exists. However, if this is urgent, please text me.