Recovered Voicemails from the Garden of Eden

Voicemail 1

[Phone ringing]

VOICEMAIL: You have reached the voicemail box of [Adam’s Voice: “Uhhh…. Adam.”] At the tone, please record your voice message. When you are finished recording you may hang up or press pound for more options.

EVE: Hey Adam, it’s Eve. Just calling to see when you’d be home and if you and God were planning on having dinner here. Okay, gimme a call back! Bye!

Voicemail 2

[Beep]

[Sound of Adam’s voicemail: “Uh… Adam”]

[Beep]

EVE: Hey Adam! It’s Eve again. I still haven’t heard back from you. I hope you guys are having fun. Um… I’m assuming you’re not having dinner here since it’s so late, but I was wondering if on your way back you could still pick up some more sacrificial flesh. I would do it myself but as you know I can’t leave the garden [awkward laugh]. Uhm… Okay. Bye!

Voicemail 3

[Phone ringing]

VOICEMAIL: You have reached the voicemail box of [Sound of Thunder]. At the tone, please record your voice message. When you are finished recording you may hang up or press pound for more options.

[Beep]

EVE: Hey, God! It’s Eve. Hope you’re doing well. Thanks for the sunny day today, that was great. I know this may seem kind of silly but I was just calling to check in on Adam. I haven’t heard back from him since he left to go meet up with you and I’m getting kind of worried about him. I don’t know if he got lost or something on the way back down. But, yeah, so just, uh, give me a call. That would be great. Thanks, bye.

Voicemail 4

[Beep]

[Sound of Thunder Boom]

[Beep]

EVE: Hey God, it’s Eve again. Sorry to bother you. I just I have to confess something. Um, really, I’m not worried that Adam’s lost, I’m worried that he’s not coming back because he’s mad at me and never going to come back again. So, I didn’t say anything cause I didn’t think it was a big deal but, so like… the other day, he like asked me [sigh]… this is gonna sound psycho. But he asked me to like… swirl his nipples. Like, we were just sitting in the garden and he wanted me to like put my index finger and my thumb on either side of his nipples and just like give them a little, like, just like a little swirl. And of course, I was like “Is God okay with that?” And he was like “What? Of course God said it was okay. Are you doubting the word of God?” And I’ve just been trying to get a hold of you because I wanted to ask you myself. I know you’re so busy and… um, so I just — I haven’t swirled his nipples, I didn’t end up swirling his nipples. I wonder if he, if he’s not coming back cause I didn’t swirl his nipples and it’s not that I’m not devoted to you, I was just scared at the time cause Adam was like, “I have 23 more ribs and all I have to do is put one in the ground and I can have another one of you.” I was just paralyzed and I just feel so bad now. Please, just, if you’re with him, let him now that I’m sorry and that I want him to come back to the garden. I’d do anything for you guys. Sorry, sorry. Okay, alright. Thank you for listening. Bye.