Hear!
Teach your child about sound vibrations! Let him put his mouth against an “echo tube” and shout into it. Watch as he places his lips exactly where the child before him — a kid with a runny nose and faint beard of Pirate’s Booty powdered cheese — put his lips. This is an exciting way to learn about how we hear! And also, hand-foot-and-mouth disease. Which your child now has.
Smell!
Climb inside a giant foam nose with nine other small children and learn about your amazing olfactory system! Be squished against the side of a nostril as everyone shrieks and fights for oxygen. Explain how your nose helps you to breath, and also, to smell when someone nearby has shit their pants. And someone most certainly has!
See!
Pour blue sand through a sifter at the sand table. What do you see? Other than a fingernail clipping and stray Cheerio? You see a small boy with hair to his waist, wearing a T-shirt that says CHOOSE KINDNESS, as he experiments with how much sand he can throw directly into your son’s eyes before his nanny looks up from Facebook. Marvel at the power of your corneas as you see the full-color spectrum of your child’s red, screaming face, as the nanny eventually shouts, “Phoenix! What did I say? No throwing!”
Think!
Take apart a model brain! Discuss how human brains are all shaped the same, although unlike this brain, they don’t have a mysteriously greasy frontal lobe covered in a ripped Paw Patrol sticker. Talk about how the brain is a complex, powerful machine that allows you to feel, create, and think about exactly what you’d like to do to Phoenix.
Taste!
Pop by the café for lunch, where you can discuss how your tongues contain thousands of taste buds! These tiny buds allow you to enjoy an order of $13 chicken tenders with slightly frozen centers, as well as to taste the bile of your own jealousy as a mother one table over details the extensive remodeling on her brownstone.
Feel!
Pet “Gerry,” the four-foot-tall plush giraffe located in the gift shop! Teach your son about the special nerve-endings in your fingertips that allow you to feel the soft faux fur of this absurd excuse for a toy retailing for $98. Feel your spirit break as your son flails upon the gift shop floor because you won’t purchase Gerry. Feel the eyes of a nearby parent daring to judge you. And then feel yourself slowly raise one nerve-ending-filled middle finger to this parent.
Don’t forget to stop by the front desk for details on membership!