Product: Eve
User: Adam (firstman@aol.com)
Review: A mixed bag. Major improvement over the Lilith model (DO NOT BUY) but needed an entire rib to activate. Not Apple-compatible. Got us and our descendants kicked out of Paradise forever, but I am still married to the hottest woman on earth, so three stars.
Product: Pandora
User: Epimetheus (liver_dude’s_brother@juno.com)
Review:A true gift from the gods! Just beautiful and even has a bonus jar accessory. (Maybe it’s wine?)
User: Humanity (everyoneelse@sbcglobal.net)
Review: Terrible. Came with an unbelievable number of viruses.
Product: Queen Hermione
User: Leontes (winterstale@mindspring.com)
Review: A gorgeous statement piece for my throne room! Some compatibility issues, marriage-wise, but I followed the IT oracle’s instructions (turn her off, let her sit for sixteen years, then turn her back on again), and now she’s right as rain.
Product: Ariel
User: Prince Eric (surfnturf@hotmail.com)
Review: I have a weakness for bubbly redheads. But this model seems… off? She combs her hair with a fork and prefers crawling to walking. But she’s cute and she can’t talk, so I don’t mind the $$$$ water bill.
Product: Georgiana
User: Dr. Aylmer (dr_derm@luxsci.com)
Review: See attached photo of THE BIRTH-MARK. How did quality control let such a flawed item out into the world? I can scarcely gaze upon it without nausea. Grotesque, but otherwise perfect.
Product: The Bride
User: The Creature (not_frankenstein@luxsci.com)
Review: NOT HAPPY. ITEM ARRIVED IN PIECES; SELLER REFUSED TO REPLACE OR REFUND. DISHONEST VENDOR: REPLY TO MY POST OR YOU SHALL CURSE THE SUN THAT GAZES ON YOUR MISERY. I SHALL BE WITH YOU ON YOUR WEDDING-NIGHT.
Product: Eliza Doolittle
User: Henry Higgins (cunninglinguist@mindspring.com)
Review: Certainly affordable but makes the most awful noises. Required extensive reprogramming. If you’re willing to put in the work, however, an Eliza can be capable of basic phonetics and of predicting the rainfall in at least two locations. (Anything more elaborate may result in self-reliance.)
Product: Rachel
User: Rick Deckard (rdeckard@bladerunner.net)
Review: Shit. She doesn’t know. She – it – is a skin-job, and she doesn’t know. She thinks she’s real because of her false memories. But the memories are real? At what point does consciousness transcend flesh? Do androids dream of electric sheep? Am I real??? Fuck.
Product: Princess Giselle
User: Robert Phillip (un-enchanted@churchillharlinesmith.com)
Review: I never ordered this. She just showed up. My daughter loves her, but she keeps singing in public, she cut up all my curtains, and she’s filled my apartment with vermin. Please advise.
Product: Ava
User: Caleb Smith (ex_machina@bluebook.net)
Review: I can’t believe that, out of the two men she’s ever met, she chose me. God, she’s amazing. So brilliant. So fragile. I want to save her.
User: Nathan Bateman, CEO (masterbateman@bluebook.net)
Review: yooooooooo – i made a bot so advanced that she catfished my bro and stabbed the fucking shit out of me. SUCK IT TURING
Product: Naoko or Kumiko or something?
User: Toru (all_that_jazz@murakami.net)
Review: Shipment never arrived. Each day, I go to the post office and ask after her, and they can never give me answers. Five stars.
Product: Belle
User: The Beast (betenoire@cocteau.com)
Review: Ordered on a whim. Thought she’d be good for me, but I ended up less hot than how I started, and now I have no furniture. Zero stars.