We here at NoneMedical know what a hassle it can be to get quality healthcare when you need it. Nobody likes spending hours in waiting rooms, being exposed to who-knows-what, only to have a doctor take a cursory look at that weird rash on your neck and tell you it’s not cancer. No biopsy, no tests, just a curt, “It’s nothing, smear some Aveeno on it.” You put on pants and drove halfway across town for this? And, did she do an eye-roll as she was leaving the room? You’re pretty sure she did.

NoneMedical believes that, when it comes to your body, you know best. That’s why we’re disrupting the elitist medical establishment — monogrammed white coats? really? — and putting healthcare back into the hands of the people.

You might be wondering how NoneMedical differs from traditional modes of DIY medical care, like WebMD and SymptomChecker. Oh, it differs, my friend, it differs big time. While those web sites do provide valuable self-diagnostic opportunities, they’re chock full of disclaimers: “This information is not intended to replace the advice of a doctor.” It isn’t? Well, why do you think I’m online at two o’clock in the morning googling pictures of tick bites? For my health?

At NoneMedical, we know you’re tired of being let down by seemingly authoritative and cyberchondria-friendly websites that only funnel you right back into the very system you’re trying to avoid. At NoneMedical, you’ll never have to see another stupid, scary white coat or judgmental receptionist. We offer real pseudo-medical care from real pseudo-experts, whenever you need it, day or night — sometimes unsolicited! Don’t have insurance? Good, because it’s all a racket. We’ll treat you at no charge, because that’s how much we believe in the integrity of our mission.

DISCLAIMER: At NoneMedical, we cannot provide you with prescriptions. This is because we’re taking a stand against Big Pharma, and also because we’re not licensed to practice medicine (like that matters).

Let’s meet our staff of experienced and caring providers!

Your Sister, Lucy

Education and Training: Boston University (B.A., English); the Internet; life.

Areas of Expertise: Irritable Bowel Syndrome, lower back pain, carpal tunnel syndrome, menopause, insomnia, menopause-related insomnia, motion sickness, dry eye syndrome, acid reflux, TMJ and those freaky painless migraines where you see M.C. Escher figures for twenty minutes and then it’s over and you need to take a nap.

Mountain Lady, From the Forum
“Lower Left Abdominal Pain That Comes and Goes,
Is This Serious?” on Healthboards.com

Education and Training: Google; medicinenet.com; WebMD.com; drweil.com; Mayoclinic.org; medhelp.com; familydoctor.org; Yahoo; Livestrong; drugs.com; the medical reference book section of Barnes and Noble.

Areas of Expertise: Abdominal pains that come and go; online self diagnosis; juice cleanses; home remedies; gluten sensitivity; fiber.

Statement from Mountain Lady: “Hi! I would be honored to be your health care provider. I see you came here because you’re worried about a pain in your lower left abdomen. OMG! I have the exact same pain! I notice that your query is over two years old. Did you ever go to a gastroenterologist about it? Did he have any idea about what it might be? Write back if you can, I really need to know, I’m worried that I might have cancer!”

Mom

Education and Training: “I raised three kids.”

Areas of Expertise: Fevers, teething pain, projectile vomiting, plantar warts, croup, head lice, pinkeye, chicken pox, monkey bar injuries, ear canal injuries, horsing around injuries, Sundaynightis.

Scholarly Works: “The Placebo Effect of Ice” (New England Journal of Mom Medicine), “Rub Some Dirt On It: Is Dad Medicine Really an Effective Substitute for Mom Medicine?” (JAMMY: Journal of the American Medical Mommy), “I Told You Not to Scratch That: A Child’s Garden of Rashes” (work in progress).

Tonya, Marisol, Lisa and Jason
From Hair’s the Deal Beauty Salon.

Education and Training: Clients who felt fine one day and were in the ICU the next.

Areas of Expertise: Sudden, life-threatening illnesses; antibiotic-resistant superbugs; antibiotic-resistant superbugs contracted while in the ICU for sudden life-threatening illnesses; medical malpractice; wrongful death suits.

Granny Clampett

Education and Training: M.D. (Mountain Doctorate) from Bug Tussle College of the Doctorin’ Arts and Sciences.

Areas of Expertise: Potions, poultices, teeth yankin’, leech bleedin’, the rheumatiz.

Patents Held: “Spring Tonic,” “Tennessee Tranquilizer,” “White Lightning.”

Brenda, Potential Juror

Education and Training: Watching Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil and The Doctors all day on the TV in the jury waiting room.

Areas of Expertise: Embarrassing medical problems, unusual swellings, waking up while you’re being operated on, interventions, botched cosmetic surgery, the many surprising health benefits of apple cider vinegar, Dr. Oz’s two-week rapid weight-loss program, flesh-eating bacteria, Legionnaire’s Disease, paternity tests.

So, there you have it! We hope you’ll join us at NoneMedical as we open an exciting new frontier in health care, where the patient is the doctor and the doctor is the patient! NoneMedical — “Heal Thyself.”