[Chief Justice JOHN ROBERTS is about to announce the Supreme Court’s decision on the Obama Administration’s health-care reform law.]

JOHN ROBERTS

It’s our job and it’s our power
To stand inside this ivory tower
And render judgment on these laws
Every paragraph and clause
The nine of us have talked
About this health-care legislation
And now it’s time that we announce
Our decision to the nation

[He moves to turn the page but suffers a severe paper cut.]

JOHN ROBERTS

Ow, man. Oh, Jesus.
That hurts worse than circumcision

THE PEOPLE

Please don’t tease us
Just announce the Court’s decision

[A plume of blood shoots from JOHN ROBERTS’ fingertip.]

JOHN ROBERTS

Did you see that crimson fountain?
I think I’m going to faint

THE PEOPLE

We want to know if you nine showed
The proper judicial restraint

JOHN ROBERTS

I need a freakin’ paramedic

THE PEOPLE

We’re only slightly sympathetic