What is the main use of leaf blowers?
Leaf blowers allow us to powerfully blow leaves into big piles. This is totally awesome. It ensures that humanity has unobstructed views of the naked ground at any time of the year.

Is viewing the naked ground really that good?
Definitely. As Emily Brontë wrote, “Every leaf speaks horrors to me, fluttering from the autumn tree as it says, ‘Just wait until I fall and block your view of the ground. Then you won’t like me very much, will you?’”

Are there any health benefits to leaf blowers?
Absolutely. Each fall, thousands of Americans accidentally step on dry leaves, which causes a terrifying and unexpected “crunch” sound. Many barefoot Americans accidentally step on wet leaves, and this feels super slimy and gross. These leaf-steppers often become startled and topple over, leading to sprains, concussions, or death. Leaves are dangerous, and we must blow them away so they can no longer hurt us.

Are there any statistics on leaf deaths?
Over 7,000 Americans per month lose their lives to leaves. Before leaf blowers, this number stood at 135,000.

Couldn’t we get rid of leaves by burning them?
No. Burning leaves is illegal and environmentally unsound. When burned, leaves emit a noxious smoke that coats our world in a miasma of pure, unadulterated fall.

What do leaf blowers sound like?
Gas-powered leaf blowers emit a gentle whir similar to a white noise machine that lulls a baby asleep, except it is sharper, more piercing and mechanical, and louder than four riding lawnmowers stacked on top of each other.

From how far away can you hear a leaf blower?
Roughly from across the Grand Canyon through a concrete wall.

What are the economic benefits of leaf blowers?
Leaf blowers directly contribute to the employment of more than 500,000 deaf Americans.

Where are leaf blowers most commonly used?
In leaf-dense areas directly outside your bedroom window.

When are leaf blowers most commonly used?
They are operated on mornings when you just had a rough night’s sleep. They are also used when you are trying to meditate, nap, read, talk on the phone, record a podcast, focus on anything, or hear the sound of your own thoughts.

What if I hear a leaf blower and need to escape the noise?
Not to worry. The soothing hum of a leaf blower can be easily blocked by closing all windows, inserting a pair of foam earplugs, putting on a pair of over-the-ear noise-canceling headphones, cranking up Slayer’s 1986 opus Reign in Blood, and huddling in a closet under a lead blanket.

Who invented the leaf blower?
Roberto Kioritz, PhD, founder of the Kioritz Corporation of America, a company built on two timeless values:

1. Fallen leaves are evil, and we must blow them into huge piles and imprison them in dark trash bags.
2. The ground is beautiful when it is naked.

Where can I learn more about Roberto Kioritz and his exciting philosophy?
Excellent question. You can read Kioritz’s memoir Blown Away: My Quest to Rid the World of Fallen Leaves and Make a Hell of a Lot of Whirring Noises.

Kioritz further elaborated on his ideas in his follow-up book, I Always Want to See the Ground Naked: Why Human Happiness Requires Getting These Damn Leaves Out of the Way So I Can Look at Buck-Naked Lawns, Sidewalks, and Parking Lots All Year Round.

Both books were best sellers and are highly recommended for leaf-blower aficionados.

Could we rake leaves instead of blowing them?
We have tried. Lord knows we have tried.

What was Roberto Kioritz’s relationship to rakes?
Dr. Kioritz’s father, Roberto Kioritz Sr., once tried to rake his yard leaves into a huge pile. But his rake, like all rakes, was weak. The rake missed a leaf. When he inadvertently stepped on the leaf, it startled him with a loud “crunch,” and he toppled over, dying instantly. Roberto Jr. vowed to one day build a device to “battle Mother Nature’s squalid ejecta.” He envisaged a machine so loud that it would “forever drown out Papa’s final death scream.”

So we have to blow on leaves forever? Is there no other way to defeat them?
Leaves cannot be defeated or destroyed. They can only be blown into piles, imprisoned in dark bags, and buried beneath the ground for all eternity.